Robina’s Blog

31 December, 2020

It seems that the deepest attachment we have is to be seen and heard and affirmed by others, and unless we get that, we don’t feel we’re worthwhile. In fact, in our culture, we define ourselves as social beings, so if we don’t have contact with others, how do we know who we are?

What this leads to is terrible loneliness. It’s so sad. And it’s so common. And we take it for granted that the root cause is not having people to share our lives with.

This doesn’t mean that sharing our lives with others is not necessary. It’s marvellous to have others in our lives, to give to, to enjoy, to help, to love. But if we see others mainly through the lens of attachment, we will see them only in terms of fulfilling our own needs. 

If we take the Buddhist analogy that a bird needs two wings, wisdom and compassion, then if we’ve done even a little of the wisdom wing – become our own therapist, as Lama Yeshe says: become aware of our own thoughts, feelings, emotions and taking responsibility for them – we’ll have very healthy relationships with others. But we’ll also have a healthy relationship with our own self. Which means we won’t feel lonely. We’ll be content.

Attachment to be being seen by others, approved of by others, is way more subtle than attachment to sex, drugs and rock and roll. When we’re attached to being around other people – which means we’ll be lonely on our own – there’s an assumption that when we’re on our own, our thoughts and experiences are just not valuable. 

And then when I’m with other people, and they smile at me, listen to me, affirm me, this makes me think I must be an okay person. Then, of course, I need that reinforcement all the time. I need other people to reaffirm me all the time, to smile at me, to praise me. 

In other words, this attachment is a sign of terrible low self-esteem. We have so little confidence in our own reality, that we feel we are valid only when others tell us.

Then, of course, I won’t want to spend a single second looking at my own mind. I’ve got no sense of my own worth; I only know about myself in reference to others. This is so sad! And we think it’s normal in the West.

We’ll never give ourselves space if we have this attachment. And when we are alone, or if we’re forced to be on our own because of a Covid-19 lockdown, let’s say, we won’t know what to do with it.

We should analyze our assumptions. If we’re so unworthy on our own, why would we dump ourselves on some other poor, unsuspecting person? Think about that! If we don’t think our thoughts are important until someone else hears them, approves of them, why would we want to share them with someone else? 

If we don’t start to know our own minds, distinguish between the delusions and the virtues – the fundamental job of being a Buddhist – we will never become fulfilled, and we won’t have healthy relationships. 

You could argue that most of us are not qualified to be in relationships; we haven’t done the inner work. We run around trying to have relationships full of attachment and neediness and jealousy and wonder why we’re so unhappy!

And, of course, because we are so unfulfilled, so needy, we don’t know how to be compassionate. We don’t know how to be with others properly. When we practice the wisdom wing, really get to know our own minds, learn to be content with who we are, then when we’re with others, we’re there for them. 

If we’re full of neediness and emotional hunger for other people’s approval, when we’re with others, we won’t see them properly. We’ll see them through the lens of our own needs. 

And if the other person is the same – seeing you in terms of their needs – no wonder we suffer so much in relationships!

What Buddha is saying is that everything we are is already there within us: all the goodness, the wisdom, is there. We have to discover, nurture, nourish and grow it. And become it. We’ve needed to be our own friend, know our own mind intimately; know our good tendencies and grow them and see our nonsense and lessen it. Then we can become whole, contented people. 

Then we can have marvellous relationships. In fact, people will adore to be around us – and we won’t even be needing it! Amazing!