22 April, 2024

I’m only happy when I can make others happy

QUESTION

Dearest Robina,

I have realized something today: I am really good at making other people feel amazing, usually guys but I can do it to a degree with women too, but it's because I crave extraverted positive energy and passion.

I want them to be happy, yes, but if they are really excited then I can connect with their energy and then they literally feel amazing which makes me feel amazing. 

I can manifest genuine happiness and positive emotions for another person so they feel happy but yet I can't manifest it for myself. I try to make everyone else happy so that they reflect it back to me so that I am then happy. But if I can't or they don't, then I'm unhappy!

But that seems really bizarre. Why can't I manifest that same happiness or whatever state of mind for myself first, and then I can also simultaneously share that with other people so they feel happy etc.?

I feel like I exist behind my eyes and the rest is disconnected. My body is not comfortable or comforting, it hurts all the time and I have to ignore it so I don't get overwhelmed. I'll feel things at my heart when I'm in pain and distress but it's too uncomfortable. Is that a real thing, an imbalance or blockage in the chakras?

Something is definitely wonky here.

Much Love,

A x

 

ANSWER

Dearest A:

Great that you want to and can make people happy. 

Your being happy from that is also great. The joy we feel when we give others pleasure is huge! But attachment to being the source of this happiness is the problem. 

Because look how you’d feel if they didn’t get happy! You’d be devastated – and that’s because your attachment didn’t get what it wanted.

This is so hard to see, though. We need to look ever more deeply into our minds and learn to identify the attachment, the love, the joy, and to see how each of them is a specific state of mind. No wonder we need single-pointed concentration!

So, the attachment to the pleasure that others feel – mainly because we’re the source of it! – is huge! It’s the ultimate approval! “Wow! They’re so happy! And it’s because of me!” This attachment to being seen and heard and validated and approved of is the deepest attachment of all.

They say that the yogis in the mountains, who’ve given up all the usual objects of attachment, are still thinking about what the people down in the village are thinking about them!

If you can’t be happy, content, fulfilled within yourself it's because you’re not engaging deeply enough in understanding your own mind, particularly your attachment. This is the crucial first step: it’s all there in the lamrim.

Then you’ll be joyful, right there. And then your ability to make others happy won’t be based on attachment. 

As for blockages: for sure, your wind energies are out of whack! Have you talked to your Tibetan doctor? And I hope you continue to take the herbs she gives you. Remember that the mind and the body, especially these subtle physical energies, are totally interdependent.

Love to you,

Robina

 

QUESTION

Thank you!

I've also been realizing lately that I have attachment to some things that I wasn't acknowledging (of course I have attachment to lots of things but it's like layers upon layers of it; I peel one layer and then find something else underneath), and I'm trying to process and work with that.

But just the acknowledgement doesn't change the way I feel about it, so it's trying to not push away how I feel, but use techniques to argue with the thoughts behind the attachment and feelings.

Much love,

A

 

ANSWER

That’s just perfect, A! Yes. Don’t push away: see it, identify the conceptual story, and slowly slowly argue with it. 

This stuff is very old!

Love,

Robina

25 April, 2024

Everything is changing all the time

I went to Venice a couple of years ago; I’d never been to Venice before. And what struck me – it blew my mind – is that Venice is drowning. If you know about Venice, you know it was built sixteen hundred years ago, and they built it – don't ask me what kind of person would think to do this – but they built it by putting these enormous trees into the ground, in the water, at the bottom of the lagoon, and then they built it on these trees. I mean, I couldn’t believe this weird place; I couldn’t get over it. 

But the point is the city is drowning. I mean, of course, everything's impermanent: buildings collapse, relationships finish, people die. But this is the thing that blew my mind: here’s this amazing city – it’s so famous, everyone loves the idea of Venice, you know, all these romantic stories about Venice – and everywhere you walk, there’s water sloshing about – it’s sinking! – and still people keep coming!

So what's the learning from this? In Buddha’s very first teachings he’s telling us – and you don't need to be clever or religious to know this – “Listen guys, hey, guess what, folks: things change.” It seems almost absurd to have to point it out, doesn't it?

But we need to. Attachment has a fantasy about things, makes you get all excited, makes you anticipate, makes you want to possess the thing – and then it makes you fearful of losing it. Then, because of this clinging, we grasp on to the thing or the person in the frantic hope that they won't go away.

But the reality is – and Buddha’s pointing this out, although it’s evident to anybody with half a brain – change is not just something that happens occasionally. The universe itself is in the very nature of change: millisecond by millisecond, things are disintegrating. It's just the way things are. It's not cynical; it's not being negative. It’s reality. 

But here is the thing: attachment and grasping at things as permanent – these two different states of mind – work hand in hand to cause us unbelievable pain.

Look at how we talk. Let’s say you're hungry for a relationship – nothing wrong, have a relationship, please – and then you fall in love, and you’ll say, “Finally, I have found happiness.” What we mean by that is, “Now, I’ve got it.” Think about this. Once you get it it’s like you lock it in, permanent, forever: it’s set in stone. The very way we say this indicates how we grasp at things as unchanging: “Now, I’ve got it.” And we have got it, yes, but already it’s changing, disintegrating, moving away.

But then what might happen is we will start to think, “Oh well, things change, nothing's permanent, nothing will last, so why bother?” “If my husband could leave me at any moment, if he could die at any moment, why bother? Why not just sit back and wait for him to die.” No! That's nihilism.

I remember one time at a teaching one woman said she lived in fear every day that her husband would die; every day she'd worry that he could die. “What can I do?” 

I said, “Well, the first thing is you have to realize he will die.” Don't just go, “Oh, he's not going to die.” Yes, he's going to die, I’m sorry. You've got to face the reality first. You face the fact that he will die, that it will change, that everything is impermanent. You face that fact. 

Then instead of fearing it, getting depressed about it, you will appreciate him all the more, and you’ll make the most of the relationship because it’s impermanent. You go to bed and you wake up in the morning, and if he's still alive, it's a bonus: he's still there. So you make the most of your relationship – of everything.

That's the correct attitude, and it makes such sense, you know? I mean, we know that. When we go away for a two-day vacation, we don't say, “It's not going to last, so why bother?” We appreciate it all the more because it's only two days; we use every moment, we make the most of it. 

Then life becomes worthwhile.