Robina’s Blog

9 November, 2023

Being around your family at times like Thanksgiving and Christmas can be a real danger area for so many of us. You’ve got the ugly old uncle and your sister you can't stand, or there’s the cousin who doesn’t like you.

Because we all have this deepest attachment to be liked, to be approved of, to be seen as a nice girl, it’s so primordial, we really find it hard to be in groups, especially family. 

We’re watching everyone, we see the cousin looking ugly at us, the uncle’s annoying us, and we have a panic attack, we get angry. Or we can’t cope with our brother and his wife, who are always niggling each other. We just can’t control ourselves. We feel pushed from pillar to post by all the dynamics. 

The very first level of practice, even before we attempt to control our minds, is to control the servants of the mind, our body and speech, especially the speech. This is huge. But we don’t pay much attention to it. 

So, you know the family gathering is coming up, you know who’ll be there. You want to go, so you must prepare yourself. Every day you make a vow to yourself that you’ll control your speech. No matter what happens, you’ll keep your mouth shut. You decide to just let everyone be who they are and not react.

Okay, if you have the habit of punching people, then vow to control your body as well! But it’s usually the speech that's the problem, isn’t it? We just vomit out whatever we feel.

It sounds almost too easy. But it brings huge benefits. But we have to decide. It won’t just happen by hoping. We need to be clear, state it to ourselves, make a firm decision. We all know that when we decide something is when we’ll do it. As Lama Zopa Rinpoche says, everything exists on the tip of the wish.

Ninety percent of our problems in our relationships will disappear if we shut our mouths. And I don’t mean suppress, or be passive aggressive. Some people don’t speak much – maybe they've got to learn to speak up – but most of us with uncontrolled speech, it’s in family environments where all the dramas are; that's where all the fights are. 

Of course, it hugely helps to do the analysis: why can’t we cope? What is it in me that causes me to lose the plot. As we know, the main problem, besides the craving to be liked, is our primordial attachment for everything to be the way we want it, for everything to be lovely. And when the bad things manifest, the things our attachment can’t stand, aversion arises and, depending on our personality, it’ll manifest as anger and then the words blurt out of our mouth. Or we withdraw and get depressed. Or just want to run away and cut off the family.

It's attachment and aversion: so simple yet so profound.

On top of deciding to let everyone just be the way they are and shutting your mouth, you can add compassion to the mix. If you can be brave enough, you decide you're going to go to that family gathering and you’ll be there for everyone else. 

You decide: “Okay, Robina, I’ll be there for three hours, and I’ll be there for everybody else. I will do whatever they want. I will leave myself at the door, and I'll just be there for them.” If you can do this as well as control the mouth, wow! You will be transformed, and you will have a happy time, I promise.

Just be there for everyone else. See who needs a drink, offer a second helping to the ugly cousin. Clean up the dishes. Let your crazy uncle say what he wants. Let people argue.

Just give it a break. Give yourself a break, and you'll have a happy time. You’ll float around, and they’ll all talk about how nice Robina was. “Oh, it was so nice having Robina. Look how kind she was.”

It’s possible. Remember to decide!