22 April, 2024

I’m only happy when I can make others happy

 

QUESTION

Dearest Robina,

I have realized something today: I am really good at making other people feel amazing, usually guys but I can do it to a degree with women too, but it's because I crave extraverted positive energy and passion.

I want them to be happy, yes, but if they are really excited then I can connect with their energy and then they literally feel amazing which makes me feel amazing. 

I can manifest genuine happiness and positive emotions for another person so they feel happy but yet I can't manifest it for myself. I try to make everyone else happy so that they reflect it back to me so that I am then happy. But if I can't or they don't, then I'm unhappy!

But that seems really bizarre. Why can't I manifest that same happiness or whatever state of mind for myself first, and then I can also simultaneously share that with other people so they feel happy etc.?

I feel like I exist behind my eyes and the rest is disconnected. My body is not comfortable or comforting, it hurts all the time and I have to ignore it so I don't get overwhelmed. I'll feel things at my heart when I'm in pain and distress but it's too uncomfortable. Is that a real thing, an imbalance or blockage in the chakras?

Something is definitely wonky here.

Much Love,

A x

 

ANSWER

Dearest A:

Great that you want to and can make people happy. 

Your being happy from that is also great. The joy we feel when we give others pleasure is huge! But attachment to being the source of this happiness is the problem. 

Because look how you’d feel if they didn’t get happy! You’d be devastated – and that’s because your attachment didn’t get what it wanted.

This is so hard to see, though. We need to look ever more deeply into our minds and learn to identify the attachment, the love, the joy, and to see how each of them is a specific state of mind. No wonder we need single-pointed concentration!

So, the attachment to the pleasure that others feel – mainly because we’re the source of it! – is huge! It’s the ultimate approval! “Wow! They’re so happy! And it’s because of me!” This attachment to being seen and heard and validated and approved of is the deepest attachment of all.

They say that the yogis in the mountains, who’ve given up all the usual objects of attachment, are still thinking about what the people down in the village are thinking about them!

If you can’t be happy, content, fulfilled within yourself it's because you’re not engaging deeply enough in understanding your own mind, particularly your attachment. This is the crucial first step: it’s all there in the lamrim.

Then you’ll be joyful, right there. And then your ability to make others happy won’t be based on attachment. 

As for blockages: for sure, your wind energies are out of whack! Have you talked to your Tibetan doctor? And I hope you continue to take the herbs she gives you. Remember that the mind and the body, especially these subtle physical energies, are totally interdependent.

Love to you,

Robina

 

QUESTION

Thank you!

I've also been realizing lately that I have attachment to some things that I wasn't acknowledging (of course I have attachment to lots of things but it's like layers upon layers of it; I peel one layer and then find something else underneath), and I'm trying to process and work with that.

But just the acknowledgement doesn't change the way I feel about it, so it's trying to not push away how I feel, but use techniques to argue with the thoughts behind the attachment and feelings.

Much love,

A

 

ANSWER

That’s just perfect, A! Yes. Don’t push away: see it, identify the conceptual story, and slowly slowly argue with it. 

This stuff is very old!

Love,

Robina

18 April, 2024

When we understand that our delusions cause us to suffer and then to harm others, then we can have compassion for harmers

 

A bird needs two wings: wisdom and compassion. But proper compassion needs a clear mind. As His Holiness says, “Compassion’s not enough. You need wisdom.” Even more bluntly, Lama Zopa says, “Meaning well is not enough. We need wisdom.” And wisdom is what you get as you work on your own mind: lessening neuroses, lessening your depression, lessening your discontent, lessening your anger, lessening your low self-esteem, growing your goodness, growing your self-confidence, and therefore growing clarity. That's what informs your ability then to see others and to be appropriate with them, know how to help them.

 

So often our trouble, I think, in our culture is that our compassion is fairly sentimental, you know? Usually, it's just for the innocent victims: the little doggy, the child who gets hurt; that’s about it, really. I mean, we’re very limited in our compassion. Someone needs to be an innocent victim in order to receive our compassion. If we see a person punch someone, and then the other person punches them back, we won’t have compassion for either of them. We’ve got to have a person who's a victim and then someone to blame. 

 

But the Buddhist view of compassion is that it encompasses all beings, the victims and the harmers. Why? Because we’re all the victims of our own delusions, our own neuroses. We’re all in the same boat: we're all neurotic; we all suffer from our own rubbish, and we harm others as a result. That’s a really powerful point, and I think this is really the basis for beginning to have compassion for people who are the troublemakers, for the harmers. This is a very difficult point for us, but when we understand it, the logic is clear. 

 

Once we decide to own our anger, our jealousy, our depression, with humility, and realize, “Yes, this is causing me pain, yes, these are my problems” – no need for guilt, just owning them, humbly – the more we can see that this is what is breaking my heart. This is a really powerful step in our practice. 

 

We like to point the finger at somebody who we think caused these states of mind and then try and get ourselves off the hook: “Well, I’m allowed to be this way.” If we stop doing that, then we can begin to recognize what’s causing our misery: the delusions themselves.

 

This doesn't mean that bad things don’t happen; this doesn't mean your boyfriend wasn’t mean to you; this doesn't mean that people aren’t mean to you – that's not being discussed here. This is looking at our own unhappy states of mind, and recognizing – this is the point now – that anything we've ever done to harm anybody, since we were tiny, is coming from these unhappy states of mind.

 

Think about it: when you were a little girl you got angry and hit your sister; you shouted at your mother; you might have taken something that didn't belong to you; you might have said rude words to somebody; you might have killed the ants, killed the fish. Why did we do these things? Because of our own attachment and anger. 

 

It’s very courageous to look at this. We don't, most of us, run around raping and killing too many people; we don't jump on little girls all day; we're not stealing and lying all day, but we’ve all done things to harm others. When we recognize they’ve come from our delusions, our own misery, then we can understand why other people suffer – and why they harm others. If we don't get this, we cannot have empathy for others.

 

So, for instance, what is going on with a person who’s a pedophile? It’s called attachment. You might have attachment to cake, right? Aren’t we fortunate that we’re not born with a tendency to want to jump on little boys all day? Can you imagine the nightmare? Think of the suffering. Look at your own suffering of being attached to food; look at your own suffering of being depressed; look at your own suffering of thinking you're not good enough. Look at the pain of all of that. 

 

Can you imagine the pain of being born with the tendency to want to jump on little girls all day and not knowing why – you have no view of karma. Or jumping on anybody, or having any addiction: you want to watch video games for five hours, or eat all the time. We all have addictions of some kind: it’s called attachment. We’ve all got our own trip; it's simply a question of the object, and a question of degree.

 

If you have the view of karma, then you understand that you brought these tendencies with you, and you're driven by them. Then we can own these tendencies, see how they cause me pain, and then cause me to harm others. 

 

Well, everyone is just like that! Then we can have compassion for them.