Equanimity is the starting point of developing love and compassion. It’s the heartfelt recognition that what we call friend, enemy, and stranger – and there’s no fourth category on this planet – are equal to each other from just one point of view: they each want to be happy and they each don’t want to suffer.
At the moment, what informs my wish that you be happy and my wish that you don’t suffer – that is to say, love and compassion – what informs that at the moment is that you fulfill my needs. I want you to be happy, and then – in parentheses – as long as you make me happy. I want you to not suffer – as long as you do what I want. That’s just absolutely implicit, you know?
In other words, a friend is someone who fulfills my attachment’s needs, and therefore I want them to be happy. An enemy is someone who proactively goes against my attachment’s needs, and therefore I don’t want them to be happy. And a stranger does neither, they neither harm nor help me so I couldn’t care less.
Everyone is like this – humans, the monkeys, the ants. Why? Because the three poisons run the show: attachment, anger, and ignorance.
Now what we’re trying to do here is get ourselves to step out of the equation, and even as we’re talking, we do this. So visualize in front of you, to the left, a beloved, a person you have a lot of attachment for and whom you adore; in the middle, right in the front, a person you don’t like: could be a person at work, could be your mum, could be a politician, someone who annoys you, upsets you, irritates you, or the best one is someone who’s hurt you, you know, the one who gave you up for a younger version, that one; and then, to the right, the stranger, the boring one, you can’t even look over there, they’re too boring: “Who’s that? Huh? Couldn’t care less.” Friend, enemy, stranger. We can see that.
So let’s analyze. The simplest example I always use: let’s say my boyfriend’s called Herb – I always like this example. But before that, what was he? He was a stranger. Let’s say he’s Andre’s mate and Andre is chatting to me and says, “You know, poor Herb who lives down the road at number seven, he gets these migraines.” And I go, “Oh, poor guy. Does he? I’m so sorry.” But I don’t know who he is so my empathy lasts about one minute – because he’s a stranger!
I don’t say, “Oh my God, I must go and help Herb. Please, what’s his address? I’ll go and help him. I can help him, blah, blah, blah.” You don’t say that. You say, “Oh, he’s got a headache, oh, the poor guy, oh, yeah, I know about migraines.” And the next minute, you forget all about Herb – because he’s a stranger! It doesn’t energize us!
He’s distant: I don’t see him. “Who’s that? Herb? Is that Herb? No, no, that’s not Herb. That’s someone else.” You can’t distinguish, you’re not homing in on him because he’s a stranger. And we just think this is normal. Of course it’s normal, because he’s not helped you or harmed you.
Now, let’s say I meet Herb – Andre introduces me to him – we fall in love, and he moves me into number seven. And Herb has moved too! Suddenly he’s packed his bags and moved from stranger to friend, has he not? And how does Herb appear to me now? Totally divine!
“Oh, and look at Robina, she’s so kind, she spends all her money on helping Herb. She’s so kind to him, she’s so compassionate, she’s up at night, she takes him to doctors. Robina’s so loving, so compassionate.” Excuse me?
The point about equanimity is this – this is the point about equanimity. Ask Herb when he’s my stranger, “Tell us about your headaches,” and he will tell you they’re unbearable, he will tell you he only wants to stop suffering. Very clear.
Now he’s my beloved and you ask him exactly the same question – you don’t know anything about me – and he will give you exactly the same answer. Being my “stranger” or “friend” has zero to do with it! Strangers and friends – and enemies! – are literally equal in their wish to not suffer and to be happy.
But now, for me, he’s labeled a “friend,” so suddenly I can see the suffering because I’ve got a vested interest. I know it sounds brutal, but this is just how it is: because of attachment, I have this vested interest in loving Herb, wanting Herb not to suffer, and sacrificing my life for him because for sure he will only want to fulfill my needs now. We have to do the analysis. This is normal behavior!
Now, look what happens when Herb cheats on me and he throws me out of number seven, now where does he go? From my point of view, he’s packed his bags again, and he’s in the enemy category. And now I think, “Oh, I hope he suffers from his migraines!”
But ask Herb about his migraines and again exactly the same answer!
It’s so clear: the friend only wants to be happy and doesn’t want suffering, the enemy only wants to be happy and doesn’t want suffering, and the stranger only wants to be happy and doesn’t want to suffer. They are all equal to each other from this point of view.
Understanding this is equanimity.
The point here is that the labels are completely imposed by our neurotic minds – they have no basis in reality! That’s the trouble, that’s the problem. And the whole world appears to us like this: they’re divided into boring people, ugly ones, and nice ones.
And the trouble is of course we believe these are objective truths, like boringness is kind of coursing in his veins along with his blood, you know? Then suddenly divineness is coursing in his veins overnight, and now suddenly ugliness is coursing in his veins. I mean, we ought to be embarrassed at how irrational we are. Do you hear my point?
It’s completely, hysterically irrational, and it proves how utterly self-centered we are: we define the whole universe in terms of whether someone satisfies my needs or not.
What we’re trying to do here by getting equanimity is recognize this, and gradually, gradually, gradually grow our wish that everybody be happy – and it’s no longer contingent upon whether they make me happy. That’s the point!
We’re not discussing getting love and compassion here – that comes three, four steps on. Equanimity is the basis, the starting point – the recognition that everyone wants to be happy and doesn’t want suffering. That now is the shift in your logic that becomes the basis for why you want someone to be happy and not suffer – not based on attachment, but now based on the fact that they want it.
That’s the shift that equanimity brings. It’s huge! Then you can start to grow, move through the steps to genuine love and compassion, you know?