Okay, so what’s rejection? Let’s say there’s a relationship, and inside us – the person being rejected – we have to take as a given, using this Buddhist analysis, that there’s a deeply instinctive emotional hunger for approval. That’s very logical. So that’s attachment, and that’s the deepest attachment.
If you’ve got attachment to a chocolate cake, let’s say, then what’ll happen if the cake tastes ugly is basically you are disappointed – it’s like the cake rejected you! There’s disappointment when the object meets your attachment.
So the same here. There’s attachment, in this case, a deeper one than for sensory pleasure, the deepest attachment in all of us, underneath everything, primordially deep, until we’re quite advanced: attachment to being approved of. We don’t often notice we’ve got this attachment, that’s the problem.
So when the person doesn’t give you the approval you crave, naturally you feel rejected. That could just be the next-door neighbor looking mean at you, but when it’s your beloved boyfriend, then we are shattered. This is attachment not getting what it wants, or, if you like, attachment getting what it doesn’t want.
It’s such a suffering: this assumption that somehow I’m not enough, not fulfilled as a person, unless someone else approves of me. Attachment to approval is deep in the bones of our being; it’s so primordial; it’s the deepest attachment we all have. They say it’s the last attachment to go: they talk about the yogis up in the mountains who’ve given up everything – given up sex, drugs, rock and roll, really renounced, really working on their mind – but they’re still thinking about what the people down in the village are thinking about them.
We don’t think of this as attachment, this wanting to be approved of. We think we’re just trying to have a nice friend; you ring up, and she says hello and you say hello, and you laugh at each other’s jokes. And then one day, suddenly, it seems to change, and she doesn’t answer your phone call or she sounds a bit cold. I mean, we are shattered, aren’t we? The trouble is we don’t think of it as coming from any mistake in our mind, but this is what Buddha’s saying: this mistake is why we suffer.
Not everyone has this. Some children, for instance, are very content in themselves; they don’t have a yearning to be loved and stroked every second in the playground – we think they’re autistic! In our culture we assume that we need to be socialized: that’s how we become a healthy person. But the Buddha says it starts from what’s inside us, and we come into this life programmed with our own tendencies.
There’s one little girl I know who is said to be a reincarnation of a lama, and she was always very shy and very quiet, very self-contained. She was considered mentally ill because she didn’t crave to have little friends in the playground, or she didn’t burst into tears and have a tantrum when someone took her toy. She’s not mentally ill! She’s content with who she is; she doesn’t need someone’s approval. You could say that what we think is normal – craving approval, having a tantrum if your toy is taken – is what’s mentally ill!
A really advanced person spiritually is a person who doesn’t have this yearning to be approved of by everybody all the time because they’re approving of themselves. They’re fully content in themselves. But this doesn’t mean they’re isolated. No! They’re wonderful friends to have. They’re compassionate; they’re kind; they’re empathetic; they’re generous; they don’t take everything personally because they’re thinking more of others.
In other words, we don’t have to take it for granted: “Oh, it’s just normal to get hurt if you get rejected” – meaning you’d be weird if you weren’t like this. No! Buddha’s view is more radical.
We can see how much we suffer in our lives because we get rejected – say, your mother gave you away when you were born, or you always seem to have relationships that break up, you know, and you’re always feeling so injured and brokenhearted. We shouldn’t criticize ourselves for it: it’s a revelation to understand it, and to know that we can heal it, that we don’t need to suffer so badly.
So how do you heal it? By seeing it first. You can’t solve a problem if you can’t first identify it, and it’s called dissatisfaction with ourselves, the assumption I’m just not enough. Gradually we can give up this attachment by learning to approve of ourselves, not always looking outward, having the courage to know what is right and following it. And rejoicing in our goodness: this is hugely important.
As always, one step at a time.