QUESTION
Hello dearest Robina,
I hope you’re doing very well.
I wanted to get some advice, if that’s okay. I really hope this doesn’t come as a bother. My partner and I have been together for several years, and he’s a lovely person, but he’s got quite an anger problem. Nothing violent but he will occasionally have these episodes where he goes quiet, is completely irrational and sometimes even leaves the house for a day or two. It’s like he transforms into a different person! He’s aware of this and has been working on it — and has made considerable progress lately.
However when these episodes arise, I find my mind going into quite dark places; sometimes suicidal thoughts, deep depression and anxiety. My Dharma goes out the window and until he comes back around, my mind is dark. I wouldn’t actually act on these thoughts but it’s just a place my mind goes.
I was wondering if you could ever so kindly provide some guidance. Thank you so much in advance dearest Robina. And so good to meet you recently.
Yours,
Y
ANSWER
Dear Y,
I’m happy to hear from you.
Explain to me why when your partner gets angry, your mind goes to a dark place, suicidal, etc.
Put simply: the anger is his problem, so why does it affect you so deeply?
Try to explain!
Love,
Robina
QUESTION
Dearest Robina,
Great to hear from you, I’m delighted. Truly.
Thinking back to when he had an anger episode, it seems that my mind just goes right down and everything goes out the window; Dharma, and so on.
I think this happens because my attachment gets threatened, and the fear of the suffering of losing that object of attachment. That thought of “if I lose him, then I will suffer greatly, my life will be shit,” and all the rest of it. Then once my attachment is threatened, I believe it scrambles and panics, then the suicidal thoughts and so on arise. I think that’s the core of it, my attachment throws a tantrum and kicks about.
Yours,
Y
ANSWER
Y:
I think you understand well, and that’s crucial. If we can’t analyze the problem in our own mind, nothing will change. So this is huge for you. If you think that he’s the main problem, again, nothing will change.
So, well done!
The key point is: whether you have chosen to be in the relationship. If so, if that’s your choice, your decision, then you can find ways to move forward, to be brave in face of the problem.
But if you can’t cope with the anger, you need to decide to leave.
To be blunt: it’s as simple as that!
Do your best!
Robina
QUESTION
Dearest Robina,
Thank you dearly, that’s so very true.
He is slowly improving, I’ve been teaching him meditation and in the past six months, he has improved quite a bit.
I guess my follow-up question (if you don’t mind) is: do you think I could use that situation as an opportunity to progress in my Dharma practice?
Because during my life, I’m inevitably going to come across angry people, and people who disturb my peace. Like when I was younger, my older sister was extremely violent and this disturbed me as a small child.
Thank you so much, dear Robina.
With love,
Y
ANSWER
This is the point, Y: if we can be brave enough to use every difficulty on our path, we’d get enlightened really quickly!
As Lama Zopa Rinpoche says: we need to learn to like problems like we like ice cream!
QUESTION
Oh how very true that is, thank you so much dearest Robina.
I’ve come from a childhood of domestic violence. In the moment, when I was that little girl, it was terrifying. But now, I see it quite differently; my sister was only naughty, banging, screaming and throwing things because she was suffering and so I’ve cultivated compassion for her. I’ve also detached from those situations because ultimately, I was thinking “poor me, how dare that happen.” Now, my thinking is more “that was my karma, it’s done and gone now.”
Do you think this is the right way to go about it?
My best love to you,
Y
ANSWER
Yes, Y: perfect!
QUESTION
Another problem! I reached out to help someone recently and now they’re criticizing me for not minding my own business!
I’m so confused. . .
ANSWER
Y!
This is a big learning for you! And the learning is to see your huge attachment to being a nice girl. Same problem as before!
Yes, you were being kind, but very mixed with attachment: sentimental kindness in other words.
Everyone has this, but we have to see it. We need to learn to be appropriate.
Keep practicing, Y, keep seeing your mind.
Robina
QUESTION
Thank you so much, dear Robina,
I totally agree, I think I like to view myself as “nice, kind” and so on and then I act from that. I think there is some ego-grasping intertwined within that.
I think I need to watch my motivation before acting, to check if there’s attachment there.
I’ve realized just how complex and deep attachment goes. I put so much effort into trying to subdue gross attachment but I’ve realized there’s this whole layer I didn’t even know existed, the subtle attachments.
With deepest love,
Y
ANSWER
Exactly, Y: you’ve hit it on the head: this subtle level of attachment is so pervasive, so hard to see. But one step at a time!