The neurotic attitude that drives us, according to Buddha, is this primordial feeling that I don’t have enough, I haven’t achieved enough, he doesn’t love me enough, I am not good enough. It’s a bottomless pit of dissatisfaction.
Why are we like this? Because we have attachment. And what’s attachment? Driven by the feeling of not having enough, attachment immediately looks out there, believing utterly that when we get the cake, let’s say, it’ll bring satisfaction, it’ll fill the gaping hole.
In fact, dissatisfaction is both the symptom and the consequence of attachment; it’s its main energy.
The fact is, getting the cake does indeed trigger a moment of pleasure, of good feelings, of happiness – these are all synonyms – but right there next to it, in that very second, attachment is not satisfied with that moment of pleasure. So you have the next mouthful, convinced that that will bring satisfaction. And we keep going, with each mouthful, each piece, always waiting for the satisfaction to come, and before you know it you’d vomit if you had another mouthful.
It’s like the boy I read about who was addicted to sex who said that as he was having sex with one woman he was already anticipating the next one. And one woman who got a date with a boy on Tinder who said that as she was dressing after having sex with him she looked over and there he was on Tinder looking for the next woman.
So, not only does following attachment not bring satisfaction, it actually brings more dissatisfaction: this is the vicious circle we find ourselves in. As my mother used to say, “The more you get, the more you want.”
We all know this experience! It’s scientific: check it out. But we’re totally programmed in this process. It’s massively difficult to turn it around. But it’s possible.
So: nothing wrong with wanting happiness/satisfaction/pleasure/joy. As Lama Yeshe says, “The more pleasure, the better!” It’s a question of knowing how to get it, that’s all.
Our approach is the total belief that happiness is what we get when we get what attachment wants. Buddha has found that happiness is what we get when we give up attachment – actually, the Hindus before him had already discovered this; he verified it.
Of course, Buddha went one step further and found the method to get happiness that won’t change into suffering, ever – and that is achieved by cutting the root delusion, the primordial belief in the intrinsic self that underpins attachment.
It’s encouraging to read the Buddhist teachings about the nature of mind, such as Lama Yeshe’s Mahamudra: How to Discover Our True Nature. Happiness/joy/bliss – whatever word you like – is the natural state of our mind when it’s unencumbered by delusions. Satisfaction – another word for happiness – is, finally, a mental state and it can never be achieved by getting the objects of the senses or anything else.
The trouble is we bring this view into our spiritual practice. Instead of thinking I’ll get happy when I get a new boyfriend or a new dog we now think we’ll get it from meditation. But the same problem: no matter how hard we practice, we’re not satisfied.
So what to do? As Lama Yeshe says, we need to learn to be content. It’s cognitive behavioral therapy, I promise! Buddha’s the best at this approach.
In other words, we have to change our thoughts; we have to think, “I’m doing well, I’m good enough.” Sounds so cute, so simple, but this is powerful practice. As the neuroscientists put it, you’re creating new neural pathways in your brain.
The Tibetans refer to this practice as “rejoicing”: consciously, actively delight in your good qualities, in your efforts, in what you’ve got.
It doesn’t change anything overnight, but it works. But we have to do it, say the words, think the thoughts. The trouble is, we automatically say the negative thoughts and believe this. We’re addicted to it. So, create those neural pathways!
Of course, you have to do this practice alongside learning to give up the thought of attachment and the other delusions that stem from it.
But when we hear that we can learn to be content with what we are, we mistakenly assume we become complacent. No!
It’s like you’re learning the piano and you just passed grade one. Be delighted, rejoice – and then be inspired to go to grade two.
Our trouble is we think, “Oh, I’m only at grade one. Maybe I’ll be happy when I get to grade two.” And so it goes on, a bottomless pit. And then you get to grade four hundred ninety-seven, you’re still not happy!
So, as always, one step at a time. Practice being content. It’ll open us up to a whole new world.