The neurotic states of mind are in their nature fear – anxious, worried, unstable. They make us freak out! Attachment is the main one – it can’t handle problems, it only wants everything to be lovely. And it’s there all the time.
Attachment is so subtle and so normal, we don’t pay attention – until suddenly it doesn’t get what it wants, suddenly it’s thwarted: the wrong coffee, you hit your knee, the red light – or the beloved husband dying after 60 years. It’s a question of degree, you know?
One way to lessen the fear when attachment doesn’t get what it wants, or when something changes, is to look it in the eye, not live in denial of it, you know? Sometimes the pain is so tremendous – this is real pain, I’m not saying we should blame ourselves – sometimes the pain is so tremendous when something bad happens that we can’t even bear to look at it: we bury it away, it is too unbearable. This is why we have what we call “trauma.”
We literally go mad, isn’t it, because our attachment is so intense. This is why we suffer. This is not criticism: we should be crying with happiness to discover this and crying with compassion for ourselves for our suffering.
Then, instead of pushing the terrible thing away or having a panic attack, what you do is you look it in the eye. And the second you can look it in the eye, there’s less fear – I promise, it’s true.
I always use the example of when I got held up with a gun. I’m not trying to sound clever, but I remember the experience vividly – the Lower East Side, 1974. I didn’t know New York City was dangerous that year, especially walking on the Lower East Side at 2 in the morning! I had no idea.
People don’t have locks on our doors anymore in New York, do we? But I remember in the seventies, the number of locks on doors, all these police things and big bars and extra locks and triple locks, I couldn’t believe it. I was shocked.
I always tell this story. My sister and I were walking home from this Irish bar on the Lower East Side, and Jan had her glass of wine, I remember that.
We were walking back home, Jan with her glass of wine, and this fellow holds me up with a gun. I had this very nice Indian jacket on, I remember that. He put the gun right between my breasts.
I only tell this story because it was a learning for me about fear, you know? Because what happened for me was, because I’m a bossy person and no one’s going to tell me what to do, including take my money, I remember arguing with him, using logic. I remember it vividly, so vividly.
First of all, I knew he was more afraid than me – that was clear. That was the first point: I swear I knew he was more scared than me. It was within a second, you know?
“Give me your money, bitch!” he said. My first response was fear, and then, within a second, it became aggression, you know, and I was bossing him. He was young, and he was up in my face, a few inches from my face. I shouted at him!
I kept saying the f-word, you know? “F you man,” I said. “Who do you think you are?” I said. “We are just as poor as you. You give us your money.”
I was using logic! “We’re poor too,” you know? And my sister said, “Have some wine, brother!” And he said, “I don’t want your wine, I want your money!” It was like ridiculous for this poor guy. He didn’t know what to do – and then he just gave up.
All I’m getting at is, for whatever reason, whatever reason, I looked it in the eye. This is my exact example: I looked it in the eye. For whatever reason, I did, you know – I’m not saying I’m clever – and so therefore there was no fear.
I didn’t experience trauma, I didn’t have to have counseling. He probably had to have counseling. Do you understand? He walked away with his tail between his legs because he didn’t get anything out of it – in the end, he just shrugged and walked away, he didn’t know what to do.
It’s such a simple example. I didn’t plan to do it – it’s my nature, that’s all – but it’s such a powerful example.
What we want to do then, to bring this into our own practice, is practice with the baby events first, you know, like when you stub your toe. Because basically when you stub your toe, fear arises, panic: “My God, that shouldn’t happen!”
These baby ones are tiny examples of fear, because when attachment doesn’t get what it wants, which is a thousand times a day, the response is called “anger,” it’s “aversion,” you know? And it’s rooted in fear: “Oh my God, it shouldn’t be this way.” That’s called “fear,” people. Hear it this way, analyze it this way. It’s a revelation.
When you look it in the eye – “Uh oh, it’s just a stub, Robina, it’s okay, it’s just muscles, bit of pain” – suddenly you calm down, the mind’s calm, the aversion dissipates, you know?
It’s not as if one day you’re full of fear, next day there’s no fear. It’s gradual, you know: every time you work on your mind and lessen your attachment, you’re also lessening your fear, lessening your anxiety, and therefore becoming more courageous in the face of problems.