QUESTION
Dearest Venerable Robina,
It has been some time since I have written to you. However, not a day goes by when your voice and the Buddha’s teachings are not with me.
I need some advice on overcoming my neurotic attachments that keep resurfacing around my marriage and ex-wife. She has moved on and is in a relationship and her anger towards me still surfaces when we meet. I find I react defensively, followed by sadness and grief. I know I’m holding on to expectations of a friendship or some sort of relationship but also I feel I am still grieving the loss of the friendship, after knowing someone for 44 years, how can there be nothing?
I try to reframe the situation in a positive way, and try to see her happiness with someone else as her not being sad and depressed, but I am struggling at times.
Any advice on practice to help navigate these emotions and feelings would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you, Venerable Robina,
Much love,
E
ANSWER
Dear E:
Good to hear from you.
It sounds difficult for you, for sure.
Trying to reframe things in terms of your ex-wife’s happiness is good. But you need to dig deeper into your own feelings and views first, fix those.
So, analyze it using Buddha’s approach to the mind. “Sadness” and “grief” are very Western terms and they certainly express how you feel, but they’re not precise enough.
What are the delusions, the negative emotions, the afflictions that are actually causing the sadness and the grief? That’s what you need to identify.
Okay, you made a brave decision and decided to leave your wife. And from what I remember it was a lot to do with there being no friendship there. She was angry, bitter, resentful of your Dharma. So you were very wise to leave her.
Now that she doesn’t do what you want — what your attachment wants — which is to be nice to you, be friends, you’re upset, which is a polite word for anger.
Saying that you want her to be your friend is not rational, E: you didn’t want her as your friend before, you never talked about continuing a 44-year-old relationship, so why do you believe that you want her as your friend now? Basically you want her to make you feel better.
She’s been angry with you for years, so let her be angry! That’s her problem. You won’t get her approval, so give up wanting it.
Sure, be happy for her. But better to stop thinking about her. She’s gone, karma is over. Karma finishes, E!
You have your amazing Dharma, a rich practice, be content with that, use that to grow yourself and become content.
What do you think?
Much love,
Robina
QUESTION
Dear Venerable Robina,
Thank you for your reply along with the understanding and clarification of my situation. Yes, I seem to have returned to victim mode and looking outside myself for an explanation of the situation.
Thank you for helping me see this and encouraging me to look at my own feelings and what it is I want to do with my life, something that I have struggled with for a long time. I guess not surprising as I was in that relationship from when I was quite young, spending my life trying to be a good partner and parent, but never looking within at my feelings and beliefs, just always trying to win approval from parents, family and work.
I was always too scared to look at my feelings and my mind, I think I saw that as being vulnerable and weak and I needed to be strong and not show this side of me. This is something I want to address now and am starting to do this by sharing and listening.
Being able to practice the Dharma and look at my own mind is what I want and why I left the marriage, no regrets there. But I can see that I am holding on to unrealistic expectations that are coming from my own feelings of wanting to fix it all and everyone to like me, approve of me and not say bad things or criticize me. It is such a relief to say these words, own them and see the situation – and so much lighter after even acknowledging this.
I rummaged around and found the set of DVDs that I bought about 15 years ago. They are a series of teachings you did in 2005. I have started to watch them again as I remember how profound I found the words when I first watched this series of teachings. I am so grateful they didn’t get misplaced in my moving house and are really of great benefit.
I plan to use the next few weeks on pilgrimage for reflection and practice and am pleased that I reconnected with you to help me find some clarity and motivation to do this before I travel.
I hope to see you again soon and I will check in with you my dear teacher, always with immense gratitude for your understanding and kindness.
Wishing you safe and smooth travels.
Much love,
E
ANSWER
Well done, E! You’re clear about it all.
Yes, all those years of habit are hard to break. But you can do it!
So so glad you’re off to pilgrimage: immerse yourself in it, get the blessings.
A whole new phase of your life is beginning!
Much love,
Robina