There are two techniques – I forget the names – two kinds of systems for cultivating bodhichitta: one is the “one cause and six effects,” or the seven-point something, and one is the one of “exchanging self for others,” I think – there’s these two.
Pabongka Rinpoche, in his Liberation in the Palm of Your Hand, he puts these two together and it turns into eleven little techniques – these eleven little techniques, you know?
Equanimity’s first, and once you’ve made this shift – “I now realize that everyone is equal in wanting to be happy and not suffer” – then the next little bit of logic in this series of techniques to try and use to shift your mind is this hilarious one of how “everybody’s been your mother.”
You just need your calculator for this one, I think. It’s said that your mind is beginningless, so you’ve had beginningless lifetimes, and everybody else’s mind is beginningless and they’ve had beginningless lifetimes, so it seems to follow logically – and even mathematically – that you’ve bumped into each other countless times in countless past lives. And, of course, they’ve been our mother countless times.
The only reason they use the concept of “everyone’s been your mother” is because she’s an example of a person who’s been kind to you.
Of course in our culture, we think it’s the opposite, you know? Like, “What do you mean my mother’s kind?” But His Holiness the Dalai Lama said, “Don’t worry, just use anyone who’s nurtured you.” The idea is just to use someone who’s been kind.
So let’s look at this “The mother is kind” – it freaks us out.
But first, what do we mean by “kind”? I mean, occasionally we do meet people who seem to have a kind nature, you know, sweet voices, like Joy, who drove me. Where is she? She has this sweet nature, this sweet voice. You’d say Joy’s got a kind nature. People would not say that about me, this loud shouting person!
“Oh, she’s a kind person.” We understand that, you know, we understand that.
But usually, quite frankly, when we say, “Oh, Herb is so kind,” what we mean is he’s doing what my attachment wants. He could be a psychopath, I don’t care – he’s doing what I want! “Oh, he’s so kind.” It’s so self-centered, our view of kindness: it’s all about me. Do you understand me?
But that’s not the definition of “kind” here, I’m sorry. The definition here is the fact that someone – in this case your mother – does anything at all to help you.
Your mother might be a total narcissist; she might be self-centered, she might be full of attachment – it’s true, she might be. For some reason in our world we’ve got this deep assumption – our attachment has this expectation – that if she’s making me, she’d better be a saint!
That’s why we’re always devastated that our mother’s less than a saint: it’s like the worst insult on the planet: “How dare my mother be less than perfect!” It’s such a bizarre idea we have.
So, kindness here means that she’s done things to help me, whether she’s a narcissist or not. But we just remember the bad things, don’t we?
Go back to the very beginning, when you were born, and think of different things your mother has done that have helped you: there must be countless! She might be mean – I agree – but she still gave birth to you, she wiped your little bottom, she taught you how to dress, she fed you. Even though she’s neurotic, she did those things.
When you remember those actions she did, to the best of her ability, then you think: how kind! And often she would have done things that your attachment didn’t want – we’d never think that’s kind, but it certainly is. You see my point? It’s not just based on getting what I want all the time – it’s very, very different.
Everybody can see this. And this could apply to anyone. It could be your boyfriend, could be your husband, could be your mother – to shift it from them being kind because they’re doing what I want to them being kind because of the fact they did anything at all to help me.
I think it’s a good exercise, especially if it’s your mum and you don’t like her, or if she’s also done mean and nasty things: you just try and think freshly.
Many people have been able to see their mothers differently. A friend of mine recently, her mother got old and got cancer, and before this she couldn’t stand her mother, but she literally changed her interpretation of her mother, you know?
When we see that our views are what inform the way we see somebody – especially if they’ve been mean to us – we can see that we paint the whole of that person with one brush.
What we need to do is change our thoughts and start looking at our mother freshly: make a list of all their good qualities, a list of the good things they’ve done – and you’ll find a big fat list, I promise.
I even think of a mother who gives her baby away. The one reason on the planet that someone thinks that no way is their mother kind is if they threw you out after birth. Well, I’m sorry, you have the best reason to think your mother’s kind: she didn’t abort you, okay, she didn’t abort you.
One person I know – this was in the 60s, when I had an abortion, my friends had abortions – she did not want an abortion.
“Come on, have an abortion,” we said, “have an abortion.” “No, no, I don’t want an abortion,” she said.
She gave birth to the child, at the risk of losing her boyfriend, then she gave the baby away. And then she had this terrible pain of loss of this lost baby. She finally found the child in the eighties – and the kid resented her for giving her away!
For sure, that child never thought even for a second that her mother didn’t kill her! Do you understand me?
If someone saves your life by keeping you from being run over by a bus, you’ll never forget them as long as you live. Well, your mother saved you – she didn’t abort you! You understand me? It’s a different way of seeing someone as kind.
So then you think: “If everybody has been my mother in countless lifetimes, then everyone is kind.” You’re shifting your mind – you’re expanding your mind to see things differently.
And the point of this contemplation? The next of the eleven points is to then think, “May I repay their kindness!