The Buddha’s approach is there’s the outside world and then there’s the inside world. Now, we know there’s an inside world, but we’re very convinced that what goes on in the inside is caused by the outside – we’re very convinced about that.
Look at how we think, look at how we say things to people: we put our problems on other people, you know?
This is the hardest part because people do do bad things to us, there’s no doubt, it is a fact – people do do bad things to us. But the Buddha’s point, if we’re brave enough to hear it – this is too shocking for us, it’s too shocking, you know – he’s saying that’s just the catalyst.
We say, “Well, you know, it takes two to tango.” We think, “There are two people here, and I’m going to do my part, but you bloody well better do your part.” We insist the other person look at their role in it because we’re certain that I’m feeling what I’m feeling because of what they’re doing.
The Buddha says you don’t need to do that: you don’t need to look at what your mother did to you, you don’t need to look at what your friend in the relationship is saying, you don’t need to look at what your boss is doing, even if your boss is a creep – that’s not your business.
This is really hard – this is really, really, really hard because we don’t think of it this way.
We have to look at our mind. That’s it! That’s the job! The person might even be wrong, your boss might be a creep – that isn’t the point here. This is where it’s so difficult and this is where it takes such courage – but not just courage, it also takes intelligence.
We’re not that intelligent, frankly, because we’re so addicted to our own take on things: that the other person has a role in what I’m feeling, and I’m insisting that they listen to my view, and I need to tell them what they’re doing wrong. “You’re playing a role in this, I’m sorry,” you say to your boss. “You’re playing a role in this and I need you to look at yourself.”
That’s not our job! This is very hard to hear: it’s not our job.
If we’re really doing the Buddhist job, really doing it properly – which is the quick path to happiness – then when we’re facing a difficult boss, for example, we have two options: if you can’t handle the boss, leave; if you decide you’re going to stay with the boss, you work on your mind – not work on the boss, you work on your mind.
This is almost too impossible to hear. Everything in us will fight with this – everything in our bones will fight with this, you know?
People who have been Buddhists for thirty, forty years, who are in Buddhist centers, all trying to work and serve the Buddha, and serve the Dharma, and blah blah blah, when they have their dramas, they’ll forget all about looking at their minds – “You did this, and I did this and you did this!”
This is what we do in the West –we call it “sharing” – it makes it sound so holy! I’ve got to share what I feel, and then the boss has got to tell me what they feel, and then we’ll sort it out. Mainly it’s our craving to be heard and approved of by the other person and our conviction that it’s all their fault.
No, that’s not how it is! The most powerful one and the hardest one to do, if we’re brave enough, is to look at our own role in it. Then, if we’ve decided to stay in that job, we change our mind.
We have to locate the problem inside our own mind: when your attachment doesn’t get what it wants, it’s called anger, and when you’re insulted, it’s called pride, and when you’re upset that the other person is being treated better, it’s called jealousy. That’s it: they’re the names of our problems.
Our boss is not our problem, the other person is not our problem. This is too shocking to hear: it’s too shocking to hear for us because we want it to be a sharing thing. We think if I’m going to work on my mind, the other person better work on their mind too, and we better both talk about it. No!
You’d whiz to enlightenment if you could do this: the best one is change your mind.
But sometimes it’s too difficult, we know that. When the external condition is so strong and you have the luxury to be able to leave it, then the best option is to leave.
And if you can’t leave, then become like my friends in prison who can’t open the door: they have the courage and the unbelievable, amazing emotional intelligence to change their minds. That’s it, you know?
It’s almost so simple it’s too much: it’s too much to bear when we start to think about it, you know – it’s too much to bear – but that’s it. This is the essence of Buddha’s advice for how to be happy, to be free.