QUESTION
Hello Venerable Robina
I’ve been listening to your teachings for several years.
I am in therapy right now; I’m consistently having deep rooted issues with my self-esteem. My therapist is suggesting that it is important for me to express my thoughts, feelings, and concerns with others when they are doing something that is not appropriate towards me. Her theory is that if I can practice doing this, my self-confidence will grow and I will feel stronger and more sure of myself instead of continually shutting down which leads to chronic suicidal ideation.
I have very heavy karma with people accusing me of doing or saying things I never did. It happens at every job I work at and it has now happened again in my therapy group. I feel terrified of telling them to stop and that I won’t tolerate it. I want to be compassionate and I worry that if I’m not shut down in on myself I will explode at them, worsening my karmic situation.
I also understand conceptually the nature of emptiness and I know I am projecting my perception onto these people. I worry speaking up for myself would be unnecessarily disharmonious considering that it is all in my own mind.
I do not want to keep suffering in this way. I am hoping you can tell me what a wise and compassionate path would be, how I can get this to stop happening, and what tools I can use.
Thank you so much for reading my email, you are very precious to me and have shaped my life positively exponentially.
G
ANSWER
Dearest G,
Thank you for telling me what’s going on with you.
You seem to understand your mind pretty well, and that’s good.
So let’s analyze the situation from the Buddhist perspective.
First of all, like all of us, there is the attachment to be being seen and heard and approved of, validated. This is the deepest attachment, which clearly comes from a fundamental dissatisfaction with our own very self. I suppose this is what the West calls low self-esteem.
The thing is, we all have it: this dissatisfaction with ourself/low self-esteem is the very energy of having practiced attachment for countless lives.
Attachment works in a myriad other ways as well, of course: towards food, things, our body, etc., etc. But that’s not what you’re describing. They’re the more obvious levels. But the craving to be seen and heard and validated is way deep down.
Then there’s anger, which is the response when attachment doesn’t get what it wants. When you hear the criticism from the other people, you have huge aversion to it — and aversion is simply the bare-bones state of mind beneath the volatile energy of anger. In other words, your attachment is craving approval and when it doesn’t get it the anger arises.
You say “I feel terrified of telling them to stop and that I won’t tolerate it. . . and I worry that if I’m not shut down in on myself I will explode at them. . .” There it is: anger, for sure, isn’t it?
Of course, it scares you, as you say. But the fear that drives it is your fear of being criticized, of not being liked, of not being approved of, and of being seen as a bad girl. We just can’t stand the thought of that!
Don’t discount your compassion, and don’t discount your wish not to increase your negative karma — they’re good.
But the attachment and the aversion are fundamental.
Again: there’s the attachment, the craving to be seen as a good girl; then anger arises when criticism comes; then, again, the fear of being disliked prevents you from expressing your anger.
This is not, of course, the analysis your therapist might apply!
So what’s the solution? We have to keep working on our mind, that’s it! It’s quite subtle to see this level of attachment, but keep looking. And label your low self-esteem as attachment to being seen as a good girl and fear of being seen as a bad girl – it helps!
But all of this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t speak up. I agree that you do need to speak up, but from a place of courage to dare to risk that people mightn’t approve of you! That can be healthy.
Also, G:
As for having the karma to be criticized in the first place: that’s another discussion. If you have confidence in the law of karma, it’s simply explained as the result of your own similar actions of criticizing others in the past.
So be brave enough to own that. But remember at the same time that all your good qualities, the people who like you, the good things that happen — that’s all the fruit of karma as well, so own those as well!
This needs careful looking at, G: what do you think?
Love to you,
Robina