QUESTION
Hello Venerable Robina,
A practice question:
Lately, I have been a bit at odds with myself it seems. Sometimes I do not know whether to be “silent”/”still,” or to engage with myself in a “healthy” way. I understand it does not need to be 100% either way or the other. But sometimes I think like that I guess. I’m wondering if you have any insight on the matter.
Some background information, I grew up believing I was repressed or “suppressed,” and it has been a journey learning how to express myself authentically. However it can seem that having “conversations” with myself is “wrong.” I don’t think it has to be, but I can be confused as I feel encouraged by Buddhism to stay “silent” and watch the world pass by in a way. But I do want to be a contributing member to society and myself.
Talking right now sending this message to you, it seems as if I can and am allowed to have this dialogue with myself and it is not wrong. However I should allow myself to “shut down” as it were, should that be my wish. However, it seems as if that can be a negative thing as if I am taking myself away from society, but I feel present this way. In conclusion, it seems that either mode is okay, maybe as long as I am agreeing with myself and not so worried about being in agreement with something outside of me.
Just writing this out has helped, even though I am in the “shut down” mode. It just has encouraged me, though, to not be so engaged actively with the dialogue within myself. But I think that should be okay; just as long I am not “forcing” dialogue unnaturally with myself because I feel like I “should” from some outside source.
Sometimes this “dialogue” includes asking myself what I want and acting upon it. Though, sometimes I doubt whether this is the right way to go about things and align myself. It’s almost like being denied a cookie my whole life and feeling like I can finally taste it, albeit how fleeting this feeling of control may be. I think I may be scared that I am addicted to this cookie and I may just be getting a high rather than fulfilling my fullest self. That being said, this can just be doubt talking. Thank you for hearing me out and receiving my questions and concerns.
I welcome any and all criticism or otherwise any other kind of feedback.
I hope you are doing well, in good health, and experiencing happiness and true bliss of a fulfilling life.
All my best,
K
ANSWER
Dear K,
I’m happy to hear from you.
There are various approaches in Buddhism and they’re all based on the long-term potential each one of us possesses to be fulfilled within ourself and empathetic towards others, speaking very simply.
It’s a mental process: for Buddha, what goes on in our mind is the main source of our happiness and suffering. So our job is to become familiar with our mind, able to distinguish between the neurotic unhappy states such as attachment, anger, low self-esteem, etc., and the positive ones such as kindness, empathy, generosity, and the rest.
A simple theory but a hard job indeed! Mainly because we’re so unused to looking at our minds; we’re used to looking outside instead.
So, we go one step at a time.
With that in mind, you could say that one of the first steps is to develop a simple concentration meditation technique in which we simply focus on something such as the breath, leaving the thoughts alone, letting them come and go.
Another approach, based on some success at the first one, would be once you’ve stopped your meditation and are now engaging again with the world, is to become familiar with all the thoughts and to gradually learn, as Lama Yeshe says, to be our own therapist: to counteract the unhappy negative thoughts with positive ones. It depends on a lot of attention.
As Lama Zopa Rinpoche says, we can mold our mind into any shape we like.
So no need to suppress or deny or push away or be ashamed of our thoughts: we must get to know them, identify them, hear their story, and slowly slowly grow ourselves. This is how we become more fulfilled, and therefore more empathetic to others.
All the best,
Robina