QUESTION
Dear Venerable Robina,
It took me some time before speaking to you about this situation, as I wasn’t sure whether it was appropriate. However, I now feel that it is limiting my access to Dharma teachings.
I would like to ask for your advice regarding a difficulty I have with a person I will refer to as “F,” with whom I had a particularly painful romantic relationship. It is probably the most difficult relationship I have had to process and move beyond so far.
“F” attends my lama’s teachings with his current partner, which makes the situation more difficult.
I sent a message to “F” suggesting that we meet to acknowledge the past and present. On one hand, because we never had the opportunity to do so, and on the other, to make things easier for me, since we are likely to encounter each other during teachings. “F” replied to my email but did not wish to follow up on my proposal to meet, which I respect and understand.
On my side, I feel a lot of apprehension about facing this situation. “F” has always made me feel afraid, and seeing him during teachings can trigger heart palpitations.
I also find it both complex and troubling that my access to the teachings itself is affected, and that people I consider close, and who practice the Dharma, do not seem to take into account the difficulty I am going through.
At present, I feel uncomfortable not having enough inner resources to rejoice in the fact that “F” has taken refuge and is following the teachings, and I am unsure where to place myself in relation to all this. How could I finally find peace with this karma and with “F”?
Would you have any guidance or direction that I should focus on?
Thank you,
With love.
D
ANSWER
Dearest D:
I understand exactly what you say.
As for a solution: let’s look at it purely from the Buddhist perspective — which, of course, means the perspective that, if used, brings results: a happy, content, compassionate mind. And we all want that!
We all know the words, but to actually put into practice is very very difficult. It needs clarity of mind.
First of all, I totally rejoice in your efforts to be happy for F! This is really brave and wonderful. But actually it’s advanced, so let’s forget about that and go back to you looking inside and finding the resources to identify the root cause of your pain and therefore the solution.
As we know, Buddha says that attachment is the main cause of our suffering in day-to-day life. He doesn’t say that other people, or events, or things are the main cause of our suffering. They all certainly play a role, but they’re merely catalysts: they merely trigger the actual problem, which is attachment, as well as aversion and the other painful states of mind.
So: F is not the cause of your suffering; F’s being present with his partner at the teachings that you attend is not the cause of your suffering; F declining your request to talk things through is not the cause of your suffering. Attachment is.
So in your case, attachment to what? I think the deepest, most primordial attachment that’s going on here is the yearning, the need, the emotional hunger to be seen and heard and approved of. This is more powerful than attachment to sex and drugs and all the other sense objects. It’s huge! And it’s very hard to identify because it’s totally there, under everything. We’re born into this life totally programmed with it!
Obviously the ending of the relationship is exactly this one. Because our need to be seen and heard and approved of — which we get in abundance and is so delicious in a relationship — when it’s taken away, it’s unbearable. Our sense of self is deeply shaken. It’s shattering.
So this deep yearning, when it’s no longer being fulfilled, what’s the result? When attachment doesn’t get what it craves, aversion arises, and this can manifest in so many ways: rage, anger, despair, self-loathing, self-doubt, depression, hopelessness. All are variations of the state of mind called aversion: that’s it.
Aversion is the response when attachment doesn’t get what it wants. And actually it arises a thousand times a day, but we don’t pay attention. When we’re annoyed, frustrated, irritated: they’re moments of aversion, of attachment not getting what it wants.
So when you see F at the teachings, and you see F’s new partner, aversion instantly arises — of course your heart beats faster! It’s so painful. We just can’t bear to even look at the person/people activating the aversion and reminding us of the pain and loss! It’s too much to bear, we know this.
In some people aversion is very volatile – that’s called anger – so they’d lash out and even cause harm. With you, it’s clearly more quiet, and because of that it’s harder to see. But it’s there, D: just naturally: this is what being an ordinary person is like according to the Buddha’s analysis.
This analysis — of attachment and aversion and their intimate relationship — is the essence of the problem. In the modern psychological view, it seems almost too simple.
But the more we look at it, the deeper we go inside, the clearer it becomes.
So keep practicing, keep looking inside, keep owning what you see: it’s you, it’s yours. But don’t exaggerate them!
And keep remembering, at the same time, all your wonderful qualities, your goodness, your kindness, your patience, your wish to be compassionate — they’re your saving grace. Remember them. And seeing them helps increase our ability to see the attachment and aversion.
And seeing the attachment and aversion — the names of the causes of the pain you’re experiencing — is the healing of them.
Slowly, slowly, okay?
Much love,
Robina