No need for guilt: it’s useless

Apr 11, 2022

 

QUESTION

Hope you are having a very nice morning.

 

I want to start by saying that my life is always about compassion for all around me.

 

But it’s so hard with my mother! After every phone call I need mental recovery time…

 

This year I am turning 60 and she still tells me what to do. 

 

I am an only child.

 

How not to feel guilty all the time that I am not enough in her mind.

 

Any advice. 

 

I am immensely grateful.

 

With love,

A

 

ANSWER

Dearest A,

 

Good to hear from you.

 

Yes, the relationship with our mothers can be pretty intense! 

 

It’s really important to distinguish between what someone expects of us and what is appropriate to be for them. We have to consider the possibility that your mother’s expectations might be wildly overestimated! It’s not uncommon.

 

It seems to me that you are doing your very best. The fact that your mother is not satisfied has nothing to do with you. Unfortunately the problem is her huge attachment, her emotional hunger, her assumption that whatever you do for her is just not enough, always wanting something more, her own constant dissatisfaction. 

 

You’re not the problem! She’s the one who’s suffering! But it’s hard not to take it upon ourselves, isn’t it?

 

It’s really hard to see this, to believe this. It’s just natural that we judge our success or failure based on the person’s response. No! 

 

It’s so important to remember this. The trouble is, you see, that our attachment for our mother to respond nicely, to be satisfied, is also strong, and that’s what causes us to just assume that we didn’t succeed.

 

It’s a tricky one, but so so important to think about, and to slowly develop. 

 

Guilt is utterly useless! It’s simply anger turned towards yourself. 

 

You’re doing just fine!

 

Love to you, A,

Robina

 

QUESTION

Thank you, my dear Teacher.

 

Thank you for finding time to write me back. Your kind words are saying what I understand with all my heart.

 

But very hard to calm my ever-wandering mind. Meditation, Buddhist teachings, reading and yoga help me to be more mindful.

 

I thank you that you are in my life.

 

Always happy to hear from you.

 

Love you

A

 

ANSWER

You’re doing beautifully, A. 

 

Just keep going, one step at a time! 

 

You’re in my prayers.

 

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