QUESTION
Dearest Robina.
I have been following you now for some time.
Sometimes I don’t feel like I fit in. I’m from a rough area, led a bad life, going to four wars, nearly dying on a number of occasions, and stopping that happening. I am not posh, I was born rough and brought up rough, my family were literally fighters. I went to a rough school.
I met His Holiness the Dalai Lama and my life changed. I’d been a warrior for all of my life, or that’s how I’d seen it, often involved in violent death and so on.
I am writing to you because you seem to be an ordinary person, like me, and you know what it is to live life.
My teacher is now dead. I have taken bodhisattva vows, and I have retaken them several times over the last thirty years since I took refuge.
But whilst things were going okay, I knew I’m trapped in samsara. I thought I was strong on leaving attachment behind. But my son who was seventeen got a rare bone cancer. I lost him (I was a single parent) after nine months, and my beliefs were shaken to the core. It’s taken years to regain a strong feeling of non-attachment. When my son was leaving this life, he was already strong in buddhahood. He looked up as I cradled him and said, “I’m sorry to put you through this, dad!” Then fifteen minutes later said, “I’m ready to die now, dad,” and fifteen minutes later he left.
My beliefs were shocked and rocked. But in that last fifteen minutes he looked up at me and smiled twice. I don’t know, I tried to follow practice in helping him go over, but my attachment has been damaged forever… every day I think of him. Can I keep my bodhisattva vows with this mess in my head?
I am slowly getting my practice back in line, but my teacher left this life. Where do I go, Robina? How can I progress with this?
Blessings to you, keep the flame for us ordinary Westerners flying.
L
ANSWER
Dearest L:
I’m glad to hear from you!
I can’t imagine the loss of a child: so intense. But with your understanding of the Dharma, your faith in your lama, your bodhisattva vows, I think you have the tools right there to help you understand it and move forward.
The sadness will be there, guaranteed. But in the world the way we suffer most when such things happen is because we have no view of karma, of other lives, of impermanence — nothing like that. No wonder we suffer so badly!
Please rejoice for your special son! To die in such a way, with such a strong virtuous mind, is most amazing! His life was so worthwhile.
Of course, you’re suffering because of the pain of attachment: that’s natural. But remember his goodness, his special qualities. And remember that his suffering was an amazing purification, helping him no doubt get a really special rebirth. So fortunate!
Also: learn from this: Think: “This will happen to me!” And then renew your efforts to make the most of your precious human life: using it to develop more wisdom and be able to help others.
What do you think?
Much love to you, and much courage,
Robina