QUESTION
Dear Venerable Robina,
How are you? My mind is in such a mess!
I have come back from retreat in the worst possible state of mind, full of anger, fear, guilt.
So I am thinking that although I truly and sincerely believe that the Buddhadharma is the most precious and effective spiritual way, it might not be my way.
In the last couple of years, since doing more formal practice and studies, my mind has become worse and worse: of this there is no doubt.
All I want is to do my work, be of some use, live this life with some joy, that’s all.
Please, my dear friend, when you have some time, let me know if you have some thoughts!
Thank you, and sorry!
S
ANSWER
Most dear S! I wish I were right there with you, right now, giving you a big hug, telling you that everything is okay. It really really is.
Our minds are crazy, yes. We go up and down like yo-yos, never knowing what is true and what is not.
So stick to what you know is true, precious S; keep it on the earth: your goodness, helping others, being kind to people: this you know with absolute certainty, unwaveringly, so trust it.
That’s it. Who cares whether you label yourself Buddhist. Leave that alone.
And as we have discussed, try to remember, as Lama Zopa Rinpoche says, that our negativity and doubts coming up like this is a good sign: the dirt is coming out.
From this perspective you can argue your mind is not getting worse: you’re simply seeing what’s there. Your practice is loosening things, allowing everything to come to the surface. I think it’s like when you start getting fit and you come home from the gym feeling terrible! That pain is a good sign, we know that.
Same here, I feel sure!
So just ride the storms, holding on to your goodness, your huge heart, your innate wisdom.
Much much love to you, and much much courage,
Robina