QUESTION
Dearest Venerable Robina,
My father passed away recently. The greatest loss I have ever experienced by a million miles. The pain is severe at times. I am so grateful he was my father. And, I’m grateful he died peacefully at home surrounded by his family.
I write to you for guidance. I feel lost spiritually and have had difficulty maintaining my daily practice. I don’t know how to reconcile the fact that I will never see him, hear him, hold him again. I don’t know how to reconcile the finality. It’s easier to cope imagining him in a heaven-like setting with our other lost loved ones until I can see him again – but in my heart, I don’t believe that either.
If you can offer any words of wisdom, I would sincerely appreciate it. Navigating this loss without a spiritual outlet makes things harder and more unclear. For as long as I’ve been practicing, Buddhism has always been a lens I’ve used to evaluate “reality.” I’d like to get back to that.
Grateful for your time, always.
M
ANSWER
Dearest M,
I hear you loud and clear!
How we feel about things is very much based on our underlying views about the world.
So, let’s say you were a Christian, all the time you’d be thinking about your father, loving him and missing him, you’d be very consoled by his being in heaven now with God. And you’d understand that it’s all God’s will.
If you have the materialist view, you would certainly rejoice that he had led a good life, that you benefited from him so much.
If you have the Buddhist view, you’d understand about attachment to someone and would have worked on lessening it. You’d have love for your father and only want the best for him. And you would have understood the crucial difference between attachment and love.
That would have helped you in the weeks and months before he passed away: you would have done whatever you could to help his mind be peaceful so that he would die well so that he would take a good new rebirth.
How fortunate he was to have you supporting him at the time of death and beforehand!
And then after he died, even though you’d be still sad, etc., you’d be happy for him. This view of karma takes time to bring into our lives, but it can make a difference.
And then having the view of impermanence: this is huge: you’d really have put that into practice then and now: that death is natural, everyone dies. Change is the nature of everything.
And then, again, understanding attachment, you’d know that’s the main cause of your pain, your loss, right now. This is a hard one, because we can’t tell the difference between love and attachment, as I mention — and they are totally different.
So, dearest M: don’t try to push the pain away, but keep remembering impermanence. And the key one, which often surprises us, is to remember: “this will happen to me.” This will energize you to continue to make the most of your life, to help others — which I’m sure you’re doing already.
And rejoice that he led a good life, and pray that he has moved to another human rebirth where he can continue to practice and develop his qualities.
Just a few thoughts. . .
Much love to you,
Robina
QUESTION
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond so thoughtfully. I will spend some good time reading and re-reading.
With so much gratitude,
M