QUESTION
Hello Ven.,
Hope you are well. Have been following you and believe that you are in Portland now.
I have a question. Since we moved, my daughter, who is 13, has still not been able to make friends here. It’s been two years now. She is lonely. But I also sense she is unable to connect culturally – this country is so different. She has changed from a very social kid to a very withdrawn kid. How can I help her? I somehow feel we should move back but that’s not an option for my partner. So it’s a tight rope. How can I transform this situation?
Much love,
B
ANSWER
Dearest B:
Good to hear from you.
Your dear dughter: I’m sorry. And it’s the time of moving into teenager-hood, too. Not easy.
Does she feel close to you? If so, you can just love her, what else? Really.
Are you happy being there yourself?
Tell me more, maybe. There’s nothing much I can say unless I know more.
Rx
QUESTION
Well, she is a naughty, fun-loving social kid. She was always the most popular kid in her group, at school and in our neighborhood. She literally lived for her friends, so the move here has been a cold shower for her. She is very creative and witty – used to love drawing but has stopped completely since the move. She and I have a fabulous relationship; we are very close and she is very comfortable with me, more than with my partner.
I am also not that happy here. I feel my partner should compromise and move back. I feel a lot of anger as well right now for not being sensitive to the situation.
Love,
B
ANSWER
Now I understand.
Something’s got to give, right? You can’t go on like this.
As brutal as it sounds, it always comes down to two options:
1. If you can’t handle a situation, you need to leave it.
2. If you decide you can’t leave it, you need to change your mind about it.
If you really can’t imagine breaking up the family and you and your daughter leaving, then you have no choice. You need to start seeing the good things about where you are. Slowly, slowly you will become more content. That’s a fact.
The more we understand the Buddhist analysis of attachment and aversion —
1. That attachment is this junkie in us that only wants what we want, and aversion is the response when it doesn’t get it.
And, 2. that when one or the other prevails, everything looks lovely or horrible: they both exaggerate, embellish; they’re not realistic at all.
Because your aversion — the less volatile expression of anger — is only seeing the bad things, including in your partner, then of course you can’t see anything good. You’re blinded.
So when you start to find the good things — they’re there, I promise you! — guess what? You’ll start to feel content, even happy.
This is Buddhist practice!
Clearly your daughter adores you, she only wants to make you happy. So it is not possible for her to change her mind until you change yours. That’s very clear.
So maybe the both of you together can decide you’re going to change your minds and see if you can gradually find some good things about where you. Obviously you need to lead the way.
What do you think?
Much love,
Robina
QUESTION
Dearest Ven.,
I thought over what you have written – I think you are right. I need to change my mind about the situation since I can’t break up the family. All said and done, my partner is a really good parent.
If I understand correctly – if I convince myself that I can be happy here, my daughter will also see the positive side and she will be able to make more friends, right?
But the point is how does one transform that thinking? Is it positive affirmations? Is it analytical meditation on the positive aspects of this place? What are the two main things I should be doing to transform my thinking? I am struggling with this .
Love,
B
ANSWER
Well, it’s not a thing that you push — “convince” yourself — not like that.
The fact is attachment and aversion are working away in our minds all day and night. They’re built-up habits, so they are automatic, they have become feelings.
So we need to re-program our minds., write new scripts in our mind — Buddha really is a cognitive therapist — which simply mean consciously deciding to think positive thoughts, see positive things.
Of course, when we first start that, we still feel the same old feelings, but we have to persevere.
I always quote a woman on death row, innocent, who said “Finally, I realised I couldn’t change anything, but they couldn’t take my mind from me. So I decided, I am not a prisoner, I am a monk. I am not in a cell, I’m in a cave.”
This is the essence of Buddhist practice. It’s the point. We can change our minds.
Sounds so simple, doesn’t it?!
Since the beginning, you didn’t want to leave, so this particular round of aversion — the state of mind that’s beneath the more volatile anger — started the ball rolling. You came to this new place, but you didn’t want to, so the aversion and probably resentment just built up. This is how we mostly live our lives — never fully deciding to do something we don’t like to do, just doing it resentfully. No wonder we go nuts!
So you have to start consciously seeing the good things. You can be very analytical about it: list all the advantages, for example.
Slowly slowly, things will start to look pleasant. The way everything appears to us — as nice or not nice — as Lama Zopa puts it — “is in the aspect of whatever is in our mind”. In other words, when aversion is in the mind, everything will appear not nice.
But you need to talk to your daughter about it. Be conspiratorial. She doesn’t realise it, but as well as her own personal feelings, she’s also totally buying into your view of things, she’s pleasing you. If she’s so close to you, there’s no way she’d allow herself to enjoy this new place.
So kind of decide to do it together.
And you should find the way for her to start her art again — that’ll be liberating for her.
Are we communicating?
Love,
Robina