QUESTION
Dear Ven. Robina,
I hope you are doing well and keeping warm!
I saw your video talking about Matthew Perry and the feeling of not being enough.
For me, the approach towards fighting this feeling of “not being enough” involves going deep into understanding from one’s experiences why these feelings exist in the first place and then correcting the conceptual story – what’s called the cognitive healing.
But there’s also the emotional healing – which emphasizes on feeling the feelings and not repressing them. Just knowing the conceptual story rationally is not enough.
How would the Buddhist way be to change the conceptual story? What’s the role of feeling the feelings?
X
ANSWER
Good to hear from you!
Don’t even worry about “understanding one’s experiences of why these feelings exist in the first place.” The approach I’m discussing is to take things from right now. And that means, yes, to feel the feelings and not to suppress.
And if it’s there, that means it’s a habit, this habit to not be satisfied, to think I’m not enough.
The fact is, the feeling that just arises, uninvited, is the result of the story deep in the bones of our being: I am not enough. We’ve thought it and felt it so often, it’s just the truth for us.
So how do we change habits? By doing the opposite. If the feeling of dissatisfaction is underpinned by concepts — the literal words: I’m not enough — then how do we change it? By thinking we are enough! Making that our habit.
It’s as simple as that. And as difficult, because the old habits are indeed primordially deep.
The feelings are the result of believing those thoughts for so long.
So with having the new thoughts, gradually the feelings will come along with them.
It takes time!
Love,
Robina
QUESTION
Dear Ven. Robina,
So nice to hear from you. This is indeed liberating – to know that we are not the prisoners of the past incidents that happened and to know that we can overcome the deep-rooted feelings.
I am stuck in the loop of do old (almost feels like somewhat stored feelings) create our present thoughts or as you mention – do our old ways of thinking create our present feelings.
I am currently grappling with past incidents of abuse I faced as a child – which has resulted in deep-seated resentment and anger against men, a state of panic/fear in the body and a lot of other related issues, which for some reason feel like they are old emotions/trauma trapped in the body.
Do you think these are just old ways of thinking creating those emotions or there could be some role of past emotions/trauma here?
But maybe it doesn’t matter – if I have to overcome it – the only thing I can control is my current thoughts, isn’t it?
How to best overcome this, Ven. Robina?
Love,
X
ANSWER
For sure, X, we carry memories of so many experiences. The ones that we haven’t dealt with are what we refer to as trauma.
Even worse things that have happened to us but if we dealt with at the time, or at least didn’t bury them, they don’t cause problems at all. We don’t carry them around anymore.
As we discussed earlier, dealing with what arises now in our minds is necessary and is a good way to deal with the past.
But we can also bring up the past and learn to not be afraid of it, to look at it, and slowly slowly in this way let them go.
It’s fear of the thing, not the thing itself, that causes the problem.
What do you think?
Robina
QUESTION
Dear Ven. Robina,
Wish you a belated merry Christmas and thank you so much for helping me with this.
I agree that it’s been a mix of dealing with our current thoughts but also figuring what’s not been dealt with in the past.
What I don’t know is what does “dealing with things” now involve? Few things I could think of – bringing it to one’s awareness, let all the emotions come out, understand why current behaviors might have their roots in some of the events of the past and then hopefully the thoughts/emotions/behavior would improve.
But – as you shared in your post – Don’t be scared of the mind – in trying to “deal” with these things, the triggers are even higher – the fear/panic/anger/rage is so much more palpable than before that it almost feels like giving life to something which maybe didn’t exist or was dormant before.
I’m more easily and frequently triggered now so I have to observe, not react and then reason with it and let the emotional surge go – again and again. Not to mention, it doesn’t magically improve my behavior/relations with men/society. It’s still the same/if not worse.
In doing all this work, I’ve even forgotten what was the whole point of going inwards and dealing with things? Is there an end goal?
Much love,
X
PS: “It’s fear of the thing, not the thing itself, that causes the problem” – such a powerful insight and so difficult to see this. I hope that someday you write a blog on this one too.
ANSWER
Well, X, I think you’re analyzing things perfectly.
Because of our enormous attachment, instinctive really, to have everything be lovely, the second unlovely things happen, our aversion is triggered and then, depending on our personality we leap in and get angry or we push it down.
Either way, it’s undealt with.
No, if it wasn’t in there, undealt with, you’re not giving life to something that didn’t exist; it can’t be like that.
So we take it one day at a time, seeing our minds ever more deeply, more subtly, dealing with what we can as it happens.
The external event, in your case the past abuse, is the trigger for what goes on inside our mind, and that’s what we need to become super familiar with. As you look directly at the experience, as you deal with the anger, the resentment, the fear lessens, dissipates, and then we can heal.
Slowly, slowly! Keep being brave!
And don’t define yourself — or, for that matter, men! — in terms of these events! Don’t generalize them.
The end goal? The elimination of all the neuroses and the perfection of all the goodness. That’s the meaning of “buddha” and it’s our natural potential.
That’s long term. But short term is the lessening of the fears and self-loathing and the growing of contentment, self-respect, fulfilment – pretty delicious!
Keep moving, X! You’re doing beautifully, that’s for sure.
Love to you, and plenty of courage!
Robina