QUESTION
Hi Venerable,
As you know I was sexually assaulted recently. I found out the man who did this also did it to my friend years ago, and she wanted to press charges so I agreed to as well. He’s being investigated for indecent assault against me because he didn’t succeed in raping me, I got away.
Today the police asked me to come in and call him to try to get him to admit what he did, they recorded the call. So I did that, but obviously I had to lie during the call – I couldn’t tell him what I was doing. I said I wanted to clear the air and be friends again. I think I got the evidence the police wanted as I listed everything he did and got him to apologize, but the whole pretext was a lie. Have I broken my refuge vows by doing this?
Thank you so much for your support.
Big love,
D
ANSWER
Yes, D, you lied.
And you misled him into thinking that you wanted him to apologize so you could be friends again, but in fact you wanted him to admit to what he did so that he could be found guilty and sentenced for a crime.
Is that right?
R
QUESTION
I honestly don’t know. I didn’t want to press charges but my friend did and there’s no evidence for her case so they can only really prosecute mine. Non-Buddhists are telling me it was acceptable to lie given the circumstances but I haven’t reached the level of realization where I can breach my vows in order to help others like a lama would have. Do you think I did the wrong thing? Should I do a purification practice?
I don’t believe the criminal justice system is actually just and I’m against the existence of prisons so everything I’ve done feels like it’s going against my values and causing harm. But he’s also training to work with disabled people, and he could sexually assault them if he isn’t convicted of this crime (if he is convicted he won’t be legally allowed to do that work because it requires a police clearance).
So yeah I guess what I’m really asking is do you think I did the wrong thing?
ANSWER
What was your motivation, your reason, for doing this D? That’s the key point.
Think carefully, then answer me.
QUESTION
I’ve already thought a lot about it and I know the answer, I want to prevent this from happening to other women. If he’s convicted he won’t be able to work with women, children, or people with disabilities.
Second, I want to support my friend who also reported her assault by the same man but the police haven’t been investigating it. I don’t want anything bad to happen to him, I just want him to not do this again.
ANSWER
There’s some compassion there, but only for the victims.
You need also to cultivate compassion for him. Why? Because, due to his own karma from the past he has this tendency to harm others based on his own attachment.
You need to have compassion for him because he is causing himself much future suffering.
So, don’t rejoice in what you’ve done, and don’t be glad that he has been caught. Have compassion for him. This is very important.
And in your purification practice: 1. Regret that you lied to him and misled him because you certainly don’t want that kind of thing to happen to yourself: that’s the basis of regret: it’s for your own sake. 2. Have compassion for him. 3. Recite the Vajrasattva mantra; 4. Vow not to do it again, that is, lie and mislead others.
QUESTION
I’m definitely feeling guilty for doing this, which I know probably isn’t right either but I feel like I’m betraying a friend and forcing him into a violent and unjust criminal justice system. But of course guilt isn’t the same as compassion.
What if I have to lie or be deceptive again in similar circumstances? Like for example, if the police asked me to call him again to get more evidence, should I say no as I (will) have taken a vow not to do this again?
ANSWER
D, I’ve given you my advice.
You need to decide what to do, based on both wisdom and compassion.
QUESTION
I suppose that’s the nature of samsara, it’s impossible not to hurt other beings sometimes. Thank you so much for your help and for being so generous with your time.
Thank you so much.
ANSWER
No, that’s not enough to think, D.
Please remember there are two things: One: there is the karma that you create when you do an action that harms another. If you are sincere in your motivation of compassion for this person – as I said, not just for your friend and yourself, or even for the potential future victims – and to help him, then you don’t create negative karma. Two: However, you can’t be certain at all that you did help him, or that he won’t do this again.
Based on what you said to me, you did not do the action of setting him up to be arrested with the best motivation — compassion for your friend or compassion for the people he might possibly harm in the future: that is simply not enough, as I say above. Having compassion for the victim usually also ends up being anger towards the harmer, and it’s that anger that becomes the main motivation.
Actions done motivated by anger won’t help you or anyone else.
So you need to make sure you have compassion for him now: think about wanting to protect him from his own delusions and from the suffering he experiences now and might well create for himself in the future.
This is the proper compassion. In fact, bodhisattvas have more compassion for the harmer than the victim, because the victim is just finishing their own past karma by experiencing the present result; and the harmer is only just beginning the experience of future suffering.
Please think about this.
QUESTION
Thank you for this very considered and illuminating response, I definitely need to sit with this and internalize it and meditate on it.