QUESTION
Dear Venerable,
I am writing to you as I am finding myself in a greatly depressed state.
My days are going to work, coming back and sending applications to find a job, and honestly just being miserable.
By many metrics I am doing fine and better than most humans, I try to do a gratitude practice every night where I write things I am grateful for and I meditate almost every day at least once. I am trying to see the good things in life but it’s getting harder and harder, I have trouble sleeping, my mind is riddled with feelings of unworthiness, I am very lonely and isolated, yet somehow people seem to like me, tell me they care for me, some even show it and I just can’t see it in myself.
Lately I sometimes have been having self-harming thoughts, I feel like I built a life that is slowly suffocating me, I am riddled with unhealthy romantic attachment, a disgust for the modern dating scene, and resulting loneliness.
I don’t really trust or enjoy talking to my family even if I actually mended relationships with them this year, and I am tired of smiling, trying to be polite, trying to be good and holding so much pain.
Is there a practice I can incorporate to avoid hurting myself? I am not close to it but the thoughts are getting more and more often, especially when I go a few nights without sleep, and I really really need help. As you always say in your lectures, we don’t look for answers until it’s too late. I don’t think it is but I need help not getting there.
Looking forward to your answer and thank you for everything, Venerable.
ANSWER
Dearest D:
I hear you, loud and clear!
This happens sometimes. Old karma from the past rising up.
But I see that you’re doing all the right things: we’re a work in progress, you have to remember that!
I think attachment is our deepest problem, expressing itself here as dissatisfaction: that’s the problem you’re experiencing, isn’t it? You’re utterly dissatisfied with yourself, your work, your studies, whatever you’re doing.
It is definitely suffering, and we all have it to one degree or another.
The self-harming thoughts are a consequence of this.
So, dear D, go carefully, continue to rejoice in your virtue, your efforts, your practice, your good qualities. You are doing your best, that is certain!
The key thing is to try to not believe the stories that our negative thoughts tell us. The trouble is, we do believe them! That’s why we freak out!
Try not to! They’re just thoughts. Negative thoughts by definition are exaggerations, embellishments, distortions: it’s crucial to understand this.
Read the words of my latest blog, discussing this. https://robinacourtin.com/we-need-to-live-with-the-unhappy-thoughts-while-we-learn-to-work-on-them/
And do you like to do practices such as Tara or Chenrezig, those visualizations? If you like them, they can really help sometimes.
And, of course, we can’t handle things on our own, we need to find someone to talk to. Do you have access to good therapists? It can be so beneficial to talk things through, have someone help us hold the pain that we experience. Clearly you’re going through a lot!
Also, if you like, we could talk on the phone.
Much love,
Robina