QUESTION
Hi Robina.
I took refuge with you a few years ago and recently attended the talk you gave. It was wonderful. Blunt, direct, experiential and so very impactive. You deliver teachings in a way that very much resonates with me! I’m hoping you can come back soon!
I was just wondering if you could give me some advice. I’m embarrassed to admit that even though I’ve been a practicing Buddhist for years, ruminating on negative thoughts has dominated most of my adult life. I’m my own worst critic, and when things have gone wrong in my life, I’ve always blamed myself, which has led to depression. Not to the point where I need to see a doctor, but enough to make me fairly miserable. Even though I’ve spent a lot of time studying the Dharma and meditating, my negative habits seem to be so deeply ingrained in me, it’s difficult to break out of them.
I was just wondering if there are any specific practices you would recommend for me?
I’ve recently started focusing on the Green Tara practice. Although I’m doing it with a bodhichitta motivation, I’m also praying for her help in my daily life too – to have friends and find a partner. I know these are samsaric in nature, so am I turning the practice into a negative one by asking her for help with this?
I’m also doing Vajrasattva purification regularly too.
I’m not seeking sympathy at all, like I say I’m embarrassed to be asking for help when there are people out there a thousand times worse off than me. I have a good life. But I just need a bit of advice on how to get rid of this cloud I’m stuck under and can’t quite seem to shift.
Lots of love to you. Sending prayers that you have a long life and stay with us for many, many years to come.
Kindest regards,
T
ANSWER
Dear T,
Happy to hear from you. I understand what you’re saying.
It’s great that you’re seeing your mind, and you’re probably accurate in your assessment of what’s there. That’s exactly what we need to do. But what you’re doing is mainly seeing only the negative aspects, the delusions – but what about the virtues, the good qualities?
Of course you’d be depressed! You are painting a really one-sided picture of yourself. And this is what we all do — it’s the irony of ego that we’re obsessed with our delusions!
Plus you’re not recognizing that you’re working on them, therefore lessening them. They’re set in stone for you.
You are sowing so many amazing seeds in your mind that will bring incredible fruits in the future. But the fruits are right there now as well, you’re just not seeing them!
Even simply the fact that your life is good – this didn’t come by accident: it’s the fruit of your incredible past practice, your virtue. But we need to think like this!
It’s like you have a magnificent garden but all you’re seeing is the weeds!
This sounds like such a simple analysis, but it’s profound. You need to point out and delight in your virtues, your goodness, T!
This is what we all do, T. So to change your view of yourself is not easy. But you have every logical reason to do so, I promise!
What do you think?
It’s excellent you do Tara practice – and to pray to her to find you a partner! Go for it!
Love,
Robina