QUESTION
Dear Ven. Robina,
Happy 2020! Wishing you a happy year filled with abundance, love and joy and hoping London is treating you well.
I have been reading Lama Yeshe’s book, Mahamudra, as you suggested, and I’m making some progress in developing my wisdom.
I have also been doing my practice and recently returned from spending some time in a monastery.
In my recent reflections I have come to see much resistance to to change in my mind. I am clear that I am in need of guidance to shift that and grow spiritually and am asking for your help.
Some clarifying questions that I still have:
I am still struggling with hearing my intuition – actually I can hear it clearly – I just constantly question it and try to decipher/rationalize it using logic. How do I get out of that cycle? Do I need to worry about this or will that change with time and increased mindfulness?
I know part of my resistance, if not all of it, is based on fear– fear of the unknown specifically. How do I get past that, when realistically every moment beyond the current one is unknown and my mind doesn’t allow me to live in the present much?
How do I accept my karma for what it is and still try to grow and evolve while being accepting of the fact that I created/create who and where I am constantly?
How do I know when it’s my ego (it has gotten really subtle) that is guiding me as opposed to my higher self?
I feel like I am in this void. Does that even make sense and how do I get past that? Is this all just in my head??
Thank you for your continued support.
J
ANSWER
J! Good to hear from you, dearest one.
Well, I don’t know about your analysis. . . I think you’re expecting to much from yourself. And expectation is one of the functions of attachment. Another is not being satisfied with what where you’re at right now.
If you’re doing your practice every day, your prostrations, your offerings, your refuge, your meditation, your study — then there is nothing more you can do! What’s happening is — and this is good — you’re seeing your messy mind. Well done!
As for your “intuition” — sometimes not sure what we mean by that. If every day you sincerely aspire to do what is most beneficial, then you will do the right thing.
And of course there is fear of change — a pretty primordial delusion.
But the timing has to be right.
Not sure — what do you think?
The big thing is to remember the long term. It’s like you’re in the midst of digging up all the weeds and trying to grow a few flowers, so of course it looks messy. It’s foolish to expect it not to be uncomfortable, right? The main thing is to know that you’re sowing all the right seeds and the right results will definitely ripen, when they’re ready.
That’s the view to have.
Have I missed something?
Much love,
Robina
QUESTION
Dearest Ven. Robina,
It is great to hear from you. I hope all is going well on your teaching journey as you travel across Europe sharing the Dharma with all.
Thank you for your honest and frank words about my expectations and analysis – I see exactly what you are saying and am beginning to realize that much of my tiredness is coming from expecting to be great at everything that comes my way.
I read your last blog post titled, “Change is Natural,” and the words were so on point and what I needed to hear and reflect on.
I have been doing much reflecting lately on my life and where I am headed/not headed. I have been invited to partner with an organization that wants to bring mindfulness to schools. I am trying to figure out the best way to do that. I am currently supporting them with starting up, but still in my current job, it’s all beginning to feel quite unsustainable so I am trying to decide next steps.
I am doing my spiritual practice, and you are right I am seeing the messy mind and that is at times really hard to reconcile with. I also make the motivation as soon as I wake up to aspire to to do what’s most beneficial, but some days it is even hard to figure out what that is – so I make the best decision possible in the moment with my intention in mind.
The fear of change is my current struggle. I know it is my ego trying to keep me where I am so, I am doing the practice, listening to teachings and trying to really live the impermanent way of life – without going to either extremes as you described in your blog.
I will admit, there is much change going on in my life right now for sure, my job doesn’t bring me joy anymore, my partner and I are seriously at odds and on different wavelengths, and most days I feel totally alone and lost. But besides that I am doing well and have so much to be grateful for.
I just know and feel the imminent change, but am not sure about the timing- I keep asking myself how do I know when the timing is right, is it when something else presents itself, it is when I am suffering so much that I have to let go and move on, is it when what I am doing no longer brings me joy even if it is benefitting others, or is it when I just feel it and how do I reconcile that with my fear of change?
I felt what you said deeply:
The big thing is to remember the long term. It’s like you’re in the midst of digging up all the weeds and trying to grow a few flowers, so of course it looks messy. It’s foolish to expect it not to be uncomfortable, right? The main thing is to know that you’re sowing all the right seeds and the right results will definitely ripen, when they’re ready.
That’s the view to have.
This right here sums it up beautifully. I will keep going. I will keep sowing and the results will ripen when the time is right, and feeling discomfort during that process is ok.
Thank you!
With grace and gratitude,
J
ANSWER
It’s all good, J. The discomfort, the changes — just stay on track, don’t get nervous, and never give up on the motivation to do what’s most beneficial. Guaranteed it’ll lead you to do exactly that!
Sometimes “aspiring to do what is most beneficial” sounds so simple. Or we get confused and think, “But how do I know what is most beneficial.”
But that’s not the point.
It’s a bit like you’re walking along a road, and the road is your life, so whatever you meet is yours, your own past actions manifesting in front of you. And you have no idea where the turn-off is. So, what to do?
Well, you can’t stop, you can’t go back, and you certainly can’t take any old turn-off just because it looks nice – so what to do? No choice: just keep moving, one step at a time. You literally pave the way. You get up in the morning and deal with whatever is right there in front of you, as best you can, having in your mind always the aspiration, “May I do what is most beneficial. May I recognize the turn-off when it comes.”
The thing is, that aspiration, which is a thought, and because every thought counts, that thought will nourish the karmic seeds you planted in the past to, indeed, do what is most beneficial and will ripen those exact seeds. And when the conditions come together, the turn-off will be evident. You will make the right choice, even if it’s the tough choice.
So, be brave, be clear, and never give up! That’s it.
Much love,
Robina