QUESTION
Dear Venerable Robina,
Recently I had to quit my job and then around that time things fell apart between me and a friend.
I’ve often experienced severe bouts of what is called depression and nothing seems to help me: the antidepressants numbed me to the point of having no real emotions anymore.
I’d learned to meditate before and after losing my job and becoming deeply despondent I naturally started meditating again.
To make a long story short: through personal experience I realized how profoundly true the teachings of the Buddha are. Through attachment we suffer: by practicing meditation this attachment lessens and therefore suffering also lessens.
Given that I see all too clearly how foolish it is to become attached to anything and the complete lack of interest I have in continuing to live in this profoundly sick and destructive society, life simply doesn’t make sense anymore.
I’m not attached to life anymore and the foolish notion of ego so what is there still to do? I have no family, etc., so what obligations do I have?
I’ve read up on Buddhism and I think I know (at least abstractly) what reincarnation means and how it is thought to be affected by karma or the fruit of one’s actions.
Of course this becomes all the more pertinent now that I’m seriously considering ending my life: if it was certain I’d be reborn in this world of suffering of course that would be a whole other matter than simply vanishing at death which I’ve always believed.
Kind regards,
S
ANSWER
Dear S,
Happy to hear from you.
Thank you for explaining your path, your background, your views.
Excellent that you’ve developed some renunciation of samsara: perfect! But what should be happening for you is more contentment, more joy, more self-confidence and, crucially, more empathy with others.
Lessening attachment and the delusions just naturally should be growing our empathy and love.
So it seems to me you’ve become a bit nihilistic. And doing any actions, including killing ourselves, based on that motivation can’t be good for us, can’t bring a good result.
The best way to die is with a joyful mind, a mind of compassion, and a wish to get another human rebirth so that we can continue our spiritual path to buddhahood.
Why don’t you instead contemplate how incredible it is that you have created the karma to have a human life? So rare! And how incredible it is that you have found the means to get out of suffering and, on the basis of that, to help others.
You have such a good heart, S, such intelligence! Use it to continue your path, get realizations of bodhichitta and emptiness.
Of course, this assumes a future rebirth: all we can do with that idea is think about Buddha’s teachings about the nature of mind, how it’s beginningless and endless and that everything we think and do and say brings future results; it all can’t just disappear like a puff of smoke.
What do you think?
Love and many blessings to you,
Robina