I’m only happy when I can make others happy

Apr 22, 2024


Dearest Robina,

I have realized something today: I am really good at making other people feel amazing, usually guys but I can do it to a degree with women toobut it’s because I crave extraverted positive energy and passion.

I want them to be happy, yes, but if they are really excited then I can connect with their energy and then they literally feel amazing which makes me feel amazing. 

I can manifest genuine happiness and positive emotions for another person so they feel happy but yet I can’t manifest it for myself. I try to make everyone else happy so that they reflect it back to me so that I am then happy. But if I can’t or they don’t, then I’m unhappy!

But that seems really bizarre. Why can’t I manifest that same happiness or whatever state of mind for myself first, and then I can also simultaneously share that with other people so they feel happy etc.?

I feel like I exist behind my eyes and the rest is disconnectedMy body is not comfortable or comforting, it hurts all the time and I have to ignore it so I don’t get overwhelmed. I’ll feel things at my heart when I’m in pain and distress but it’s too uncomfortable. Is that a real thing, an imbalance or blockage in the chakras?

Something is definitely wonky here.

Much Love,

A x



Dearest A:

Great that you want to and can make people happy. 

Your being happy from that is also great. The joy we feel when we give others pleasure is huge! But attachment to being the source of this happiness is the problem. 

Because look how you’d feel if they didn’t get happy! You’d be devastated – and that’s because your attachment didn’t get what it wanted.

This is so hard to see, though. We need to look ever more deeply into our minds and learn to identify the attachment, the lovethe joy, and to see how each of them is a specific state of mind. No wonder we need single-pointed concentration!

So, the attachment to the pleasure that others feel – mainly because we’re the source of it! – is huge! It’s the ultimate approval! “Wow! They’re so happy! And it’s because of me!” This attachment to being seen and heard and validated and approved of is the deepest attachment of all.

They say that the yogis in the mountains, who’ve given up all the usual objects of attachment, are still thinking about what the people down in the village are thinking about them!

If you can’t be happy, content, fulfilled within yourself it’s because you’re not engaging deeply enough in understanding your own mind, particularly your attachment. This is the crucial first step: it’s all there in the lamrim.

Then you’ll be joyful, right there. And then your ability to make others happy won’t be based on attachment. 

As for blockages: for sure, your wind energies are out of whack! Have you talked to your Tibetan doctor? And I hope you continue to take the herbs she gives you. Remember that the mind and the body, especially these subtle physical energies, are totally interdependent.

Love to you,




Thank you!

I’ve also been realizing lately that I have attachment to some things that I wasn’t acknowledging (of course I have attachment to lots of things but it’s like layers upon layers of it; I peel one layer and then find something else underneath), and I’m trying to process and work with that.

But just the acknowledgement doesn’t change the way I feel about it, so it’s trying to not push away how I feel, but use techniques to argue with the thoughts behind the attachment and feelings.

Much love,




That’s just perfect, A! Yes. Don’t push away: see it, identify the conceptual story, and slowly slowly argue with it. 

This stuff is very old!



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