QUESTION
Dear Venerable Robina,
Thank you so much for your recent teachings on Zoom. It has been wonderful to see you again and to receive your precious teachings.
I apologize for not having been in touch with you for such a long time.
I would be very glad of your advice on my practice. I focus on the Four Opponent Powers each evening and Refuge prayers and dedications in the morning. I enjoy meditation enormously but need to progress. Following your teachings, I have just ordered from Wisdom Lama Yeshe’s Mahamudra book, which I am looking forward to studying.
As briefly as I can, my life over the past few years has unraveled in some respects. I have severe depression and anxiety and times of feeling suicidal. I was forced to leave my job as a result of my illnesses, my long-term relationship is in the process of dissolving, and I have additional stress due to my mother having to be placed in an aged care facility. I am in contact with her daily and am sad to see her gradual mental and physical decline.
I try to practice Dharma with everything I do each day but not very successfully. My mental illnesses are far worse now than they have ever been. Ego-grasping must be rampant in this mind and I am desperate to tear out these delusions by the roots.
I understand from your teachings that depression is internalized anger. One of my questions is what do I do when I am angry? At the time it arises? My habit has been to suppress or walk away which clearly is not the right approach. I don’t know how to express anger, particularly also given the teachings that anger burns up any positive karmic seeds attained. How can I not internalize anger and also not destroy the positive karma I may have with anger?
My other question is how do I finish karma with a person? So that they are not in my next life. Is this possible/wise?
Thank you for your time, Venerable Robina. If you have any advice for me, I will follow it to the letter. I am beyond grateful for the karma that led me to you as my guru.
I hope this finds you well and safe.
With fondest regards,
J
ANSWER
So happy to hear from you again, dearest J! And I’m delighted you were at the teachings on Zoom.
Your life might be unraveling but at the same time what I hear is your pure heart, your determination to practice, your intelligence, your clarity. It all comes through, loud and clear. So the best way to think about it is that it’s purification.
One of my friends, an Australian meditator monk who’s spent years and years in intensive retreat, told me that at one point he was out of his brain with rage and arrogance, everything falling apart. He went to see Lama Zopa Rinpoche, very distressed. Rinpoche laughed and laughed and laughed! “Fantastic! The dirt has to come out. The dirt has to come out.”
That’s what’s happening for you, dearest one.
Delusions running rampant, problems happening, relationships ending — this is normal life. But the big difference with you, or anyone who is sincerely trying to practice, is that it’s all a good sign. Ordinary experiences of all this suffering just keep perpetuating the suffering because attachment and anger and blame get out of control.
If you were just sitting there doing nothing and you experience lots of pain, then that’s a problem. But if you experience pain at the gym, working hard on your body, it’s a good sign. Same with you here — in the mental gym! So please be delighted. Every second of suffering is the finishing of the negative karma that caused it.
This is not a light thing: it’s very powerful. It’s really true that it’s the way we interpret things, not the things themselves, that is the source of our happiness or our suffering.
Yes, depression is internalized anger. Well, to be accurate, the main state of mind that underpins both anger and depression is aversion. It’s the response when attachment doesn’t get what it wants. Trouble is, this attachment is so subtle, so primordial, we only notice it when it’s raging.
So, yes, you’ve suppressed your thwarted attachment all these years and inevitably it builds up as depression. You’ve tried so hard to be a good girl, so you haven’t paid close enough attention.
As simple as it sounds, attachment is at the core of things. Anxiety, for example: the fear of what might happen: that’s the inability to even bear the thought of problems, which again is thwarted attachment. Attachment is a junkie that simply cannot bear anything not being the way we want it. It’s primordial! We resist it either violently – typical anger – or smother it.
Keep moving, sweetheart! You’re doing beautifully. Be brave, navigate through all the rubbish, in particular the unraveling of your relationship. Keep yourself clear, stay steady.
The only way to finish karma altogether is to realize emptiness. But don’t be afraid of meeting people again in the future. If you clean up your part of it now, when you meet again you’ll be the best of friends. Not wanting to meet them again is just more aversion, more anger, more fear.
What to do with anger “when it arises”? The problem is that’s a bit late. That’s like asking what to do when you notice your wheels are falling off when you’re speeding along the freeway. It’s a bit late!
We need to learn to notice the thoughts of anger, attachment well before that — that’s the result of practice. You need to notice the wheels when they start to wobble – and deal with the problem then, when it’s manageable. That’s the key to success in our practice.
So, be brave, keep moving, keep seeing your mind, keep dealing with it one step at a time. And keep up your wonderful practice!
What do you think?
Much love to you, J,
Robina
QUESTION
Thank you. Thank you. Venerable Robina, your words have helped me so much. I can’t express how healing and encouraging your email has been for me. I wept and wept with relief and joy. Thank you.
I understand what you are saying and will keep moving. “Never give up,” you said in the recent teachings with such kindness and love that I can do nothing else but follow your instructions.
I am practicing joy that my karmic dirt is coming out and dedicating the mountain of amazing positive karma previous lives have afforded me.
I am paying closer attention to what this crazy mind is doing and practicing with as much devotion as I can muster, especially on the long path to realizing emptiness.
There is much attachment to be addressed, particularly in the grief in losing my wonderful mother. She is very old so I feel extremely fortunate that I still have her.
There is also grief in the loss of what was a wonderful relationship with my partner for so many years. But I will also be glad to soon regain space in which to de-stress and allow us both to heal in our own ways. Our separation has been a very protracted legal, emotional and physical process but is coming to a close, after which I plan to find some time to focus on practice, some retreat, in particular Vajrasattva. Is that a good practice?
Thank you for your teachings and your immense kindness to me. I read your email over and over. You have given me courage and determination. Thank you.
With endless love and devotion,
J
ANSWER
Wonderful, dearest J!
Tell me when you want to go into retreat and for how long. I can help you work out a daily schedule if you like.
Much love,
Robina
QUESTION
Yes please! I will definitely need your guidance with retreat and a daily schedule. Thank you.
I am most grateful to you, Venerable. Thank you.
I hope this finds you well and safe.
With much love and dedication,
J
ANSWER
Good, dearest J.
Your heart is pure — keep moving, never giving up!
Get back to me when you’re ready for retreat.
Much love,
Robina