QUESTION
Dearest Robina,
I am dealing with a few issues and would really appreciate your advice please.
- I want to be able to have a loving relationship, and I want to be able to be free from the constant lack of self-worth. My therapist reminds me that I have become my own bully, and I really struggle to reverse it. It has been so many years, and I often think that my life will forever be like this.
I have also pushed away people who do actually love and care for me because I don’t believe they can love me and that they will abandon me.
I am currently reading the beautiful book The Nectar of Bodhicitta by Lama Zopa Rinpoche. It is so amazing and has really touched me. Practicing bodhichitta comes easily for me when it is for others but not for myself.
- I am struggling with my father. He is never satisfied with what he has and always thinks the grass is greener. He is constantly negative and always lies. No matter how many times I tell him he needs to change, nothing is getting through to him.
I heard a teaching from the Theravada tradition that said, when someone has a problem, then that is their problem and you don’t have to help? Something along the lines of this, don’t quote me on it!!
I guess it just made me think about the circumstances with my father and questioned if I should even try to do anything.
Do you have any suggestions or ideas on how I can move forward?
Thank you.
Love, G
ANSWER
Dearest G,
Thank you for telling me what’s going on.
As for developing self-worth: it’s difficult, isn’t it! We’re always dissatisfied with ourselves. That’s what drives our attachment: always thinking that something is missing, always hungry for something more. Food, and our body, plays a big role in this, for sure!
When we study the Buddhist teachings and think about the meaning, it becomes clear that we all have this marvelous potential for clarity and kindness and fulfillment. It’s encouraging to remember this.
And we have to go slowly, one step at a time. And we have to trust our potential. When you read Rinpoche’s teachings, it should give you great encouragement: we can become just like him!
As for your father, it’s true: a person’s problem is their own, no question. But the trouble is, because of our attachment, our own criticism of the person and our need for them to change, we stick our nose in and try to bully them into changing. The usual way we do it is not compassion: it’s anger!
Of course, if you give advice, and the person listens, then fine. But if they don’t, then we need to accept them for who they are! That’s hard — because of our attachment.
It’s good to think about this, G.
Love to you,
Robina