QUESTION
Dear Ven. Robina,
Someone suggested that I write to you about my meditation experiences. I’ve been at one of the FPMT centers for a while now, finding my way.
Over the years, I have had many vivid, wondrous meditation experiences, which have led me here. Which brings me to your class on mahamudra. I think it was day three of your course, and at one point you said, “clear light,” not even for the first time that day. For an instant I lost every sense, as if I’d blacked out, and it was the same not-white, not-black, experience that I’d had many times before.
After that class, I started experimenting with this on my own, adding it on as the next part of my usual practice. I played with it as much as I could on my own, then opened the text that is the basis of the mahamudra teachings: A Root Text for the Precious Gelug/Kagyu Tradition of Mahamudra: the Main Road of the Triumphant Ones, by Lozang Chokyi Gyeltsen, for some guidance. I was shaken. The steps described in the text were the exact same practice, both in their character and order, that had naturally unfolded in my uninformed practice.
I think I need your advice. I have started to feel that no matter how wondrous my meditation experiences have been, they are much less important than what I did with them. I could merely experience all this and build nothing but pain for myself from it: pride, craving for pleasant states, trying to hold it all so tight. I felt that no matter the nature of these experiences, they were precursors to the next practice, as one moment is precursor to the next, and the important thing was to keep going.
I decided that perfecting bodhicitta and continuing to strive to change my painful habits would be far better. I started using these connections as tools instead of ends: purifying with Vajrasattva, practicing bodhicitta, cutting through thickets with Manjugosha.
With gratitude,
M
ANSWER
Happy to hear from you, M. And thank you for explaining your experiences.
In general, whatever we experience is the fruit of our past. In other words, we can deduce from our present states of mind and experiences the actions we have done in the past to cause them.
If you see a person attracted to killing fish, let’s say, we can deduce they’ve done that before. Or we can see on YouTube the videos of little children playing Bach; we can deduce they’ve done it before.
It’s just the way it is, the law of karma, a natural law. As His Holiness the Dalai Lama said, it’s like self-creation. We create ourselves, effectively.
So if we look at your experiences we can deduce that you have practiced Buddhism before: that’s pretty evident.
So, what to do with it all?
If it’s killing fish, you’d analyse it and realise it’s not appropriate to continue that habit, so you’d give up fishing.
The little girl can play Bach because the imprints are so strong – it just pours out of her. But she doesn’t really understand it: it’s just habit; and she doesn’t remember all the learning she did in a past life that led to this effortless ability to play Bach. So she needs to start at the beginning again, study all the theory, get it all organised in her mind, coherent, and continue to play. And then she can teach others.
Same with you. If it’s Dharma practice, you’d want to continue it, wouldn’t you? So you need to start at the beginning: hear all the teachings from the start of the path, internalise it, do purification, develop a relationship with valid teachers, and just keep moving, one step at a time.
You’re absolutely right, in other words, when you say that “I have started to feel that no matter how wondrous my meditation experiences have been, they are much less important than what I do with them.” Perfect, M!
The details of your experience are interesting, yes, but from the bigger picture point of you they don’t matter. It’s like there’s no need to go into the details of each of the notes the little girl plays. The bigger picture is what counts. She needs to learn the theoretical basis of it all, then she can understand it, control it, manage it, grow it properly.
Same for you, M: you need to understand the theories and teachings that underpin these experiences of yours. Then they won’t be a mystery. And you’ll know what the steps of the path are; you’ll know what to do.
And then you can help others, which, finally is the point. – as you say: bodhichitta.
What do you think?
Love to you,
Robina
ANSWER
Dear Ven. Robina,
I find your answer to be extremely heartening and inspiring. You’ve already helped dispel much of my recent unhelpful doubt and paralysis. Honestly, I’m overjoyed.
I do want to continue, and to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
So now my question is: how do I best go about building a relationship with a valid teacher? Do I keep writing to you or do I look for someone more local? Is there anyone you can recommend? Do I just keep going to classes and eventually introduce myself, or is there a better channel?
Thank you so much for looking through my email and for your wonderful response. I’m greatly looking forward to your next teachings.
Sincerely,
M
ANSWER
Dearest M,
Just keep moving from the place you are right this second. You are already doing exactly what you need to do! It’s one step at a time? What else?
Take what teachings you can, learn the path, hear teachers, do your practice.
And, crucially, pray daily to make connection with the teachers that will benefit you. Keep it all very open, but very clear and incremental and natural.
Really, M: that’s it!
Do you understand?
Much love to you,
Robina
ANSWER
Dear Ven. Robina,
Thank you for your excellent advice. I think I do understand, at least enough for now to keep doing the work that’s in front of me, but please let me know if you have any other recommendations.
I think back on my time these past few months with fondness and overwhelming gratitude. I have been trying to find my way out of a dark place, but I found so much more than what I was hoping for. I think the center I was at was the perfect place, the perfect practice environment, for where I was. I met such good friends and incredible teachers, who showed me kindness beyond what I could have conceived of for myself.
Now I’m not stuck in that same dark place, and because of that kindness I can see at least some of what I need to do to keep moving forward, so that someday I can help others the way I have been helped.
With gratitude,
M