QUESTION
Dearest Robina
I have been following you now for some time. I am writing to you because you seem to be an ordinary person, like me, and you know what it is to live life.
I met His Holiness and my life changed. I have taken refuge and bodhisattva vows. I was close to my lama, and now he has passed away. But whilst things were going okay, I thought I was strong on leaving attachment behind. But my young daughter died from cancer. I lost her and my beliefs were shaken to the core. It’s taken years to regain a strong feeling of non-attachment.
When my daughter was leaving this life, she was already strong in buddhahood. She looked up as I cradled her and said, “I’m sorry to put you through this, Dad!” Then shortly after said, “I’m ready to die now, Dad,” and then she left.
My beliefs were shocked and rocked. But in those last minutes she looked up at me and smiled twice. I don’t know, I tried to follow practice in helping her go over, but my attachment has been damaged forever… every day I think of her. Can I keep my bodhisattva vows with this mess in my head?
I am slowly getting my practice back online. Where do I go Robina? How can I progress with this? Blessings to you, keep the flame for us ordinary Westerners flying.
Y
ANSWER
Dearest Y:
I’m glad to hear from you!
I can’t imagine the loss of a child: so intense. But with your understanding of the Dharma, your faith in your lama, your bodhisattva vows, I think you have the tools right there to help you understand it and move forward.
The sadness will be there, guaranteed. But in the world the way we suffer most when such things happen is because we have no view of karma, of other lives, of impermanence — nothing like that. No wonder we suffer so badly!
Please rejoice for your special daughter! To die in such a way, with such a strong virtuous mind, is most amazing! Her life was so worthwhile.
Of course, you’re suffering because of the pain of attachment: that’s natural. But remember her goodness, her special qualities. And remember that her suffering was an amazing purification, helping her no doubt get a really special rebirth. So fortunate!
Also: learn from this: Think: “This will happen to me!” And then renew your efforts to make the most of your precious human life: using it to develop more wisdom and be able to help others.
What do you think?
Much love to you, and much courage,
Robina
QUESTION
Hello dearest Robina
It’s been a long time since I first contacted you and I have thought so much on your words. You speak to me. I’ve watched so many of your YouTube talks they’re coming out of my ears. I have literally never met a teacher who can talk how I can listen.
I have followed your advice and thought and meditated “What if it was me?” I feel broken, I feel I will never be a complete Buddhist in this lifetime. Before I lost my daughter if someone was to ask me if I had a strength as a Buddhist I would say bringing my practice into everyday life, I found it easy to show compassion, kindness, caring, and a friendly smile and loving talk to strangers. But my main ability that came naturally without lessons was attachment. However after my daughter left me I can’t lose the attachment I always had for her. I fear I can never overcome this. As she was dying in my arms I tried to recall all I knew about helping with the passing… it all really came down to attachment.
I used to take my daughter to see my teacher. Rinpoche would love to see my girl. He told me he felt my daughter had great Buddhism in her. My daughter was following Buddhism when I lost her. I never pushed her; I’m a firm believer we don’t proselytise. But she would watch me and occasionally ask questions and eventually asked for a good “starter” book. I gave her “The Four Noble Truths” by His Holiness.
Many blessings to you,
Y
ANSWER
Happy to hear from you again, dearest Y.
Your daughter: wow: so special. There she is, well and truly moving along her own amazing, hugely productive path. And on the way she made contact with you, kindly giving you the precious opportunity to create merit by being her father. How kind of her! How fortunate you are! All you can do is be over the moon about it.
Attachment will not be there one day. Meanwhile, use it as you go along.
Much love,
Robina