QUESTION
Hi Venerable Robina.
My parents are quite unwell, and I’m looking at ways to help them. My mother has years of mental health issues (like depression/anxiety/‘emotionally unstable personality’/low self-esteem). She has distracted herself with her job, debt and paying off a mortgage, and has no friends. She is anxious being overweight, and copes in ways like smoking or sleeping. She has had hospital admissions for mental health every few years. Due to this, she has been on extended leave this year to refocus her life. Unfortunately she has been in-and-out of hospital this year also with distress, and is losing hope. She now has strong fear of abandonment and distress from marriage difficulties.
My father is now struggling to cope living with her. He has issues with anger. His life has not turned out like he expected, with one issue after another, and has resentment towards my mother for that. He had a health scare a few years ago, and doesn’t want to be unhappy for the rest of his life. He would leave my mother and move on with his life if he knew that she would be safe.
I feel very fortunate for a precious human life – no real hardships, and have been able to understand some Dharma and have good mental health from that. I hope I can practice the rest of my life in compassion and wisdom. I feel like my parents are in a bubble of strong negative emotions. I want to help them, and show them that they can step out of the bubble.
Things might get worse, even though I might not be able to do anything. I hope this can be a useful motivator to my own practice and well-being, in order to benefit others. Do you have any suggestions for beneficial practices that I might focus on, other people to turn to, or how to support them?
Thank you so much and thank you for your understanding with this very long message.
Kindest regards, and have a wonderful day.
ANSWER
Dearest V,
Thank you for telling me about your parents.
Their story is not uncommon, is it? Dissatisfied, frustrated, and not realizing their own mind is the main problem and that, crucially, they can change it.
So what can you do? This is the point here: your mind, your attitude, your approach.
You have love for them, no doubt about it: in other words, you want them to be happy: that’s the actual meaning of love. And you have compassion: wanting them not to suffer.
But also, because you have attachment — and the most primordial level of it, which we all have, is attachment to everything out there being nice, being as we want — you are dissatisfied with how they are.
So, one, you want them to be happy and you do everything you can to help achieve that. Perfect. Keep doing!
But, two, the crucial thing to understand is that you suffer not because of their suffering but because of your aversion to their suffering, which is the response when attachment doesn’t get what it wants.
It’s a tricky one, but when you get it right, you can relax and love them for who they are.
So try to give up any expectation whatsoever, which is a function of attachment, of them actually changing! Because with this attachment to everything being nice — and in this case that means for them to change and actually be happy — as long as things aren’t the way your attachment wants, as long as they stay miserable, you will also be unhappy. And not only that, you’ll assume that you have failed, and that’ll increase your own suffering.
But you haven’t failed. You are doing everything you possibly can. You can bring a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. It’s difficult to see these different parts of our mind — distinguishing between the virtues and the delusions — but doing so is the key to success.
So that’s it: love them for who they are; stop trying to change them. Praise them, smile at them, thank them for being wonderful parents, etc. etc. etc. You can’t do more than this.
This means speaking to their good qualities, not always their problems.
If they change and become happy, that will be a bonus — for you!
In other words, this advice is for you, not specifically for how to help them. But when you get clearer and wiser, you’ll be able to help them better anyway!
Are we communicating?
Love to you, V,
Robina
QUESTION
Hi Venerable Robina,
I have been thinking a lot about what you said and trying to put that into practice in my life. I’m really thankful to be able to connect with you and thank you for your consideration of my question and sharing of your wisdom.
It is a really subtle distinction for me, between working the best I can to help my parents have their own peace of mind, but without attachment to any outcome (them actually having peace of mind). I’ve noticed speaking to their good qualities has really helped (me) a lot, and I’ve noticed being less upset by seeing expressions of their suffering.
I’ll still continue to try the best I can to be of benefit to them, and if I can to introduce them to Dharma. It’s difficult to say if doing this directly or indirectly is the best (?). As it happens, things have come together for them (in terms of finances, job, etc.) and they are currently excited and happy. Quite a change from just a few months ago.
As you say, it is a common situation for many – hope not to lose sight of that.
Thank you again for your kindness and wisdom here – so grateful.
Best wishes to you, thank you so much.
Kindest regards,
V
ANSWER
Yes, V, it is indeed a subtle distinction, but a crucial one. Then you’ll be happier and actually it’ll help them too.
I’m glad all is going well at the moment! Remember this too — things change!
Love to you,
Robina