QUESTION
Hello Venerable Robina
I hope you are well?
I am writing to ask for guidance. I live with my elderly parents and my father’s health has become more challenging. He has lived his life with mental health issues, which include anxiety, depression and bipolar.
He has more recently had his memory affected and this is affecting all in the home as he is refusing any medical support.
I am struggling with my patience with him and for the first time in my life feel genuine anger towards him. I can feel the anger in me.
I know I should be more compassionate and that this is an opportunity to practice patience – I have been reading Lama Zopa’s book on patience. Also, I’m listening to Medicine Buddha’s mantra spoken by Lama Zopa that you had shared.
Is there anything else I can be doing to strengthen my patience? I know I need to respect his decision for no treatment, however I know I am frustrated that this decision is impacting my mother and siblings, who all live in the same house.
I understand dharma of impermanence and my attachment to wanting things to be better, but I am struggling to apply in this situation and am seeking support of what I can do.
I think this is the first time in a long time my Buddhist practice is not enabling the usual mind shift of acceptance that I have been able to achieve previously.
And as I consider this, I think about Lama Zopa saying that we actually can’t practice patience without being challenged – maybe this is my learning right now?
I have been enjoying your monthly teachings on Zoom.
In Dharma
Y
ANSWER
Dearest Y,
Thank you for explaining. I can imagine how difficult it is.
All you can do is practice exactly as you’re saying. Accept your father’s wishes, accept him as he is, try to be kind to him.
Of course, you’re probably right in your assessment of his needs, but the reason you’re suffering is because he’s not doing what your attachment wants — it’s as brutal as that!
And I think a big part of it is that when you show patience you give your mother and the others an example. When you’re more positive, more accepting, more respectful of your father’s wishes, that gives encouragement to them, relieves their anxiety.
Do you see what I mean?
You can do it, Y! For sure. Be courageous.
And remember you can’t make your father’s suffering go away. And you can’t make the suffering of your mother and siblings go away either.
Let it all be as it is, messy for sure, but it’s okay. And have mantras playing in the house — for everyone’s sake.
And don’t talk about your father to the others all the time: this just adds to the misery and the anger.
Yes, you’re right: it’s a huge opportunity for you, as Rinpoche says.
Much love,
Robina