QUESTION
Hello Venerable Robina,
I hope all is well with you.
I have been listening to your teachings for many years now. They have helped me so much!!!
For the first time in many years I find myself struggling to understand how to apply the Buddha’s teachings to my current life.
My wife was just diagnosed with a neurodegenerative disease. However, her symptoms have been going on for a while now.
Due to the disease she has sleep disorder. This involves acting out her dreams during the night. It’s hard to get a good night’s sleep. She often wanders around the house.
She is no longer the wife I have known for years now. We can no longer get up and discuss our daily plans. She can’t help with anything around the house that requires figuring out the steps to finish the task.
She doesn’t want to do anything she used to love to do. She has hallucinations, which we manage fairly well. She will see people or animals and I just go along with it.
I am exhausted for her and me. I feel like I live with a 7-year-old.
I struggle to understand how attachment applies; other than my attachment to the way things were.
I try to have compassion for my wife but sometimes she can get frustrated and tell me I am controlling everything. But I have to keep her safe.
I am grateful that she is still here with me but what kind of life is she having?
I am sad a lot. This can go on for 5-7 years or longer.
Thank you,
A
ANSWER
Dearest A,
Happy to hear from you.
How sad it must be for you, to literally be losing your wife like this. I can only imagine.
It must be forcing you to practice compassion — no choice, right? When we are communicating with each other, giving and taking in a usual relationship, it’s easy to be loving and compassionate, because it goes both ways.
But in your situation, it’s much more difficult. That’s exactly what you’re experiencing.
So it’s important you have time off, that you have good loving friends who can support you. Until we’re highly evolved bodhisattvas, we need this.
Meanwhile, try to rejoice hugely in your practice: your wife is so fortunate to have you.
It would be excellent for her if you have mantras playing sometimes, to bless her mind. So beneficial. Try Lama Zopa Rinpoche singing the Medicine Buddha mantra. Having it playing quietly in the background.
It’ll be beneficial for you too!
To answer your point about attachment. As we know, attachment can be for anything — food, comfort, ideas, ways of doing things, and of course people and the closeness of a relationship.
So here, the attachment is to being seen and heard and validated and thanked – you get none of this now. In other words, you’re getting zero in return from your wife, as you used to. This sounds quite blunt, but it’s how we are.
So it’s important for your own sake — not to mention hers — to continue to try to be kind and compassionate and patient. As I said above, it’s easy when the relationship is mutual.
And rejoice in your efforts, A, and try to get satisfaction from it. And remember how much she needs you right now.
You’re doing wonderfully, I think – I admire you for it.
Much love,
Robina