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“There’s this disconnect between how things are and how we perceive things." — Ven. Robina

“We’re not suffering because our cup broke, we’re suffering because we thought it shouldn’t." — Ven. Robina

“Given that Buddha’s views are from his own direct experience, from his own observation — they not coming from on high, they’re not speculation, he didn’t make them up — he’s more like Einstein than Jesus." — Ven. Robina

“Everything we think and then do and say is the very process that produces who we become." — Ven. Robina

“The root of the problem is our powerful misconception of an intrinsic me." — Ven. Robina

“So why do you get angry? Because attachment didn’t get what it wanted." — Ven. Robina

“Attachment is a junkie that assumes that I only ever deserve the good things." — Ven. Robina

“If you look in your garden and you see a weed, you would never say “Who put a weed in my garden? I don’t deserve it!” Who planted the seeds? Who planted the weeds? Who planted the flowers? I did." — Ven. Robina

“Our life is our garden. Whatever’s in it, we put it there." — Ven. Robina

“Without understanding karma first, we can’t have proper compassion for others." — Ven. Robina

“We must have compassion for the harmers in this life, because they’ve caused themselves terrible future suffering." — Ven. Robina

“We have the power to look into our own minds, to recognize what harms us and, with enormous self respect, we can learn to change, we can learn to get rid of the neuroses. This is all Buddha is saying.” — Ven. Robina

“From Buddha’s point of view, we should be weeping in delight every day at how fortunate we are, having such an extraordinarily fortunate life, which we ourselves created by our own past actions.” — Ven. Robina

“Every microsecond of everything that goes on in our mind, and the things we do on the basis of those thoughts with our body and speech, this is the karmic process.” — Ven. Robina

“Buddha's expertise is the mind: he has a profound and extensive explanation what the mind is, how it functions and how, crucially, we can transform it.” — Ven. Robina

“Happiness is the mind that is free from attachment and the other neuroses: clear, blissful, happy and stable.” — Ven. Robina

“The main cause of my happiness, the main cause of my suffering, is in my mind.” — Ven. Robina

“Don't point to some external thing and call it samsara; point to your own mind, your own body.” — Lama Zopa Rinpoche

“If no anger, then no enemy.” — Lama Zopa Rinpoche

“You are the creator of yourself, honey – that’s what Buddha says.” — Ven. Robina

“We've got to distinguish facts from fiction. And when you're a buddha, you've finally got all the facts down.” — Ven. Robina

“Anger, anxiety, depression and fear break our hearts – and all Buddha is saying is: yes, sweetheart, you can change it.” — Ven. Robina

“We accept we come fully programmed into this life, but we think the programming comes from mother and father. It doesn’t, Buddha says. Our tendencies come from previous moments of that very mind itself, which is not physical and not from any external condition.” — Ven. Robina

“The mind, for the Buddha, is where things happen. The mind is where the workshop is: it’s the source of suffering and the source of happiness.” — Ven. Robina

“Any happiness you feel comes from your own mind. It is all manufactured by your own inner factory.” — Lama Zopa Rinpoche

“Human beings have great potential; they can do anything. The power of the mind is incredible, limitless.” — Lama Thubten Yeshe

“Positive states of mind are natural to us. They are at the core of our being. They are what define our mind. They are what we really are.” — Ven. Robina

“When your only purpose for living is the benefit of others, it is very easy to make the right decision. It is easy because you are very clear about why you are alive." — Lama Zopa Rinpoche

“Not believing in the way things appear to us: you can't get more radical than that.” — Ven. Robina

“There’s a big difference between being able to explain religion intellectually and transforming that knowledge into spiritual experience.” — Lama Thubten Yeshe

“Buddhism is not just about one or two small things; it is not some tiny philosophy. Lord Buddha explained the nature of every single phenomenon in the universe.” — Lama Thubten Yeshe

“Without understanding, belief can be very dangerous. So what Lord Buddha emphasized was that understanding is the path to liberation, knowledge is the path to liberation.” — Lama Thubten Yeshe

“The main cause of my happiness, the main cause of my suffering, is in my mind.” — Ven. Robina

“Love is wanting another person to be happy, a delight in their happiness. Love has no strings.” — Ven. Robina

“I hope that you understand what the word 'spiritual' really means. It means to search for – to investigate – the true nature of the mind. There's nothing spiritual outside. My rosary isn't spiritual; my robes aren't spiritual. Spiritual means the mind and spiritual people are those who seek its nature.” — Lama Thubten Yeshe

“And also, to study Buddhism you don't need to believe in something extreme. It's a matter of investigating, examining and experimenting on yourself. It's not just belief.” — Lama Thubten Yeshe

“We have the power to look into our own minds, to recognize what harms us, and out of enormous self respect, we can learn to change the poison; we can learn to get rid of the neuroses. This is all Buddha is saying.” — Ven. Robina

“Every microsecond of whatever goes on in our mind, and the things we do and say on the basis of those thoughts: this is the karmic process.” — Ven. Robina

“We think happiness is what we get when attachment gets what it wants. No. Buddha says happiness is what we get when we give up attachment.” — Ven. Robina

“Positive states of mind are natural to us. They are at the core of our being. They are what define our mind. They are what we really are.” — Ven. Robina

“Not believing in the way things appear to us: you can't get more radical than that.” — Ven. Robina

“The main cause of my happiness, the main cause of my suffering, is in my mind.” — Ven. Robina

What Buddha is saying is that we have this incredible potential, if we have the courage to look inside.” — Ven. Robina

“Happiness is the mind that is free from junk: clear, blissful, happy and stable.” — Ven. Robina

“Buddha's expertise is the mind. And he has a profound, deep, extensive explanation and view of what the mind is.” — Ven. Robina

“We accept we come fully programmed into this life, but we think the programming comes from mother and father. It doesn’t, Buddha says. Tendencies in the mind come from previous moments of that very mind itself, which is not physical, and not from any external condition.” — Ven. Robina

RobinaCourtin.com

“There’s this disconnect between how things are and how we perceive things." — Ven. Robina

“We’re not suffering because our cup broke, we’re suffering because we thought it shouldn’t." — Ven. Robina

“Given that Buddha’s views are from his own direct experience, from his own observation — they not coming from on high, they’re not speculation, he didn’t make them up — he’s more like Einstein than Jesus." — Ven. Robina

“Everything we think and then do and say is the very process that produces who we become." — Ven. Robina

“The root of the problem is our powerful misconception of an intrinsic me." — Ven. Robina

“So why do you get angry? Because attachment didn’t get what it wanted." — Ven. Robina

“Attachment is a junkie that assumes that I only ever deserve the good things." — Ven. Robina

“If you look in your garden and you see a weed, you would never say “Who put a weed in my garden? I don’t deserve it!” Who planted the seeds? Who planted the weeds? Who planted the flowers? I did." — Ven. Robina

“Our life is our garden. Whatever’s in it, we put it there." — Ven. Robina

“Without understanding karma first, we can’t have proper compassion for others." — Ven. Robina

“We must have compassion for the harmers in this life, because they’ve caused themselves terrible future suffering." — Ven. Robina

“We have the power to look into our own minds, to recognize what harms us and, with enormous self respect, we can learn to change, we can learn to get rid of the neuroses. This is all Buddha is saying.” — Ven. Robina

“From Buddha’s point of view, we should be weeping in delight every day at how fortunate we are, having such an extraordinarily fortunate life, which we ourselves created by our own past actions.” — Ven. Robina

“Every microsecond of everything that goes on in our mind, and the things we do on the basis of those thoughts with our body and speech, this is the karmic process.” — Ven. Robina

“Buddha's expertise is the mind: he has a profound and extensive explanation what the mind is, how it functions and how, crucially, we can transform it.” — Ven. Robina

“Happiness is the mind that is free from attachment and the other neuroses: clear, blissful, happy and stable.” — Ven. Robina

“The main cause of my happiness, the main cause of my suffering, is in my mind.” — Ven. Robina

“Don't point to some external thing and call it samsara; point to your own mind, your own body.” — Lama Zopa Rinpoche

“If no anger, then no enemy.” — Lama Zopa Rinpoche

“You are the creator of yourself, honey – that’s what Buddha says.” — Ven. Robina

“We've got to distinguish facts from fiction. And when you're a buddha, you've finally got all the facts down.” — Ven. Robina

“Anger, anxiety, depression and fear break our hearts – and all Buddha is saying is: yes, sweetheart, you can change it.” — Ven. Robina

“We accept we come fully programmed into this life, but we think the programming comes from mother and father. It doesn’t, Buddha says. Our tendencies come from previous moments of that very mind itself, which is not physical and not from any external condition.” — Ven. Robina

“The mind, for the Buddha, is where things happen. The mind is where the workshop is: it’s the source of suffering and the source of happiness.” — Ven. Robina

“Any happiness you feel comes from your own mind. It is all manufactured by your own inner factory.” — Lama Zopa Rinpoche

“Human beings have great potential; they can do anything. The power of the mind is incredible, limitless.” — Lama Thubten Yeshe

“Positive states of mind are natural to us. They are at the core of our being. They are what define our mind. They are what we really are.” — Ven. Robina

“When your only purpose for living is the benefit of others, it is very easy to make the right decision. It is easy because you are very clear about why you are alive." — Lama Zopa Rinpoche

“Not believing in the way things appear to us: you can't get more radical than that.” — Ven. Robina

“There’s a big difference between being able to explain religion intellectually and transforming that knowledge into spiritual experience.” — Lama Thubten Yeshe

“Buddhism is not just about one or two small things; it is not some tiny philosophy. Lord Buddha explained the nature of every single phenomenon in the universe.” — Lama Thubten Yeshe

“Without understanding, belief can be very dangerous. So what Lord Buddha emphasized was that understanding is the path to liberation, knowledge is the path to liberation.” — Lama Thubten Yeshe

“The main cause of my happiness, the main cause of my suffering, is in my mind.” — Ven. Robina

“Love is wanting another person to be happy, a delight in their happiness. Love has no strings.” — Ven. Robina

“I hope that you understand what the word 'spiritual' really means. It means to search for – to investigate – the true nature of the mind. There's nothing spiritual outside. My rosary isn't spiritual; my robes aren't spiritual. Spiritual means the mind and spiritual people are those who seek its nature.” — Lama Thubten Yeshe

“And also, to study Buddhism you don't need to believe in something extreme. It's a matter of investigating, examining and experimenting on yourself. It's not just belief.” — Lama Thubten Yeshe

“We have the power to look into our own minds, to recognize what harms us, and out of enormous self respect, we can learn to change the poison; we can learn to get rid of the neuroses. This is all Buddha is saying.” — Ven. Robina

“Every microsecond of whatever goes on in our mind, and the things we do and say on the basis of those thoughts: this is the karmic process.” — Ven. Robina

“We think happiness is what we get when attachment gets what it wants. No. Buddha says happiness is what we get when we give up attachment.” — Ven. Robina

“Positive states of mind are natural to us. They are at the core of our being. They are what define our mind. They are what we really are.” — Ven. Robina

“Not believing in the way things appear to us: you can't get more radical than that.” — Ven. Robina

“The main cause of my happiness, the main cause of my suffering, is in my mind.” — Ven. Robina

What Buddha is saying is that we have this incredible potential, if we have the courage to look inside.” — Ven. Robina

“Happiness is the mind that is free from junk: clear, blissful, happy and stable.” — Ven. Robina

“Buddha's expertise is the mind. And he has a profound, deep, extensive explanation and view of what the mind is.” — Ven. Robina

“We accept we come fully programmed into this life, but we think the programming comes from mother and father. It doesn’t, Buddha says. Tendencies in the mind come from previous moments of that very mind itself, which is not physical, and not from any external condition.” — Ven. Robina

Q & A With Robina

Each week Ven. Robina answers questions from people around the world.

How can I stop being angry with my brother, who is so unkind to our parents?

Apr 10, 2023

 

QUESTION

Hi Ven.,

 

I am writing to ask you for a solution regarding my brother. We’ve discussed this and I think you’ve even talked to my parents about it. 

 

The fact is, he treats my parents like doormats, completely no respect, a lot of arrogance. He blames them for their simple background, is ashamed of them. He is very rich. There is not a shred of affection for them, let alone gratitude. He screams at them, lashes out all the time.

 

It enrages me and I am not able to apply my Buddhist teachings to look at him compassionately. I feel this deep aversion towards him, which is growing stronger.

 

How can I transform this? And help my parents? They are not able to stand up to him.

 

Regards,

W 

 

ANSWER

Happy to hear from you, dear one.

 

This is just too terrible, isn’t it? 

 

There is nothing you can do except give up the anger. That doesn’t help you at all, doesn’t help your parents, and it won’t change your brother.

 

That’s the main advice.

 

And feel such compassion for your brother: the harm he is doing to himself is unbearable. 

 

And don’t feel sorry for your parents, just love them even more. 

 

What do you think?

 

Love,

Robina

 

QUESTION

It is indeed too ghastly for words! Dropping the anger is the part I am struggling with – am not able to. 

 

Can you give me practical advice on how to drop it? Should I meditate on my brother and his delusions? I sense my anger is intensifying and my heart is closing. Transforming this anger to compassion – I know I need to do this but I am stuck here; not able to do it at all. 

 

Thank you.

 

ANSWER

W!

 

1. One approach is to start painting a new picture of your brother. List his good qualities.

 

Right now you’re painting the whole of your brother with the brush of your anger. No matter how mean he is to his parents, he still has good qualities.

 

This does work, I promise!

 

2. And the one you talk about—having compassion for him—that has to be based on the understanding of karma. If we don’t have confidence in the logic of karma, then it doesn’t work.

 

His harming his parents is the cause of the most awful future suffering for himself. This is the clear basis for compassion. It’s like he’s eating poison.

 

3. Also related to karma, you have to realize that your parents must have created the cause to be harmed like this. That’s the sad dynamic in these situations: both sides are acting out their own past actions. Like the Russians and the Ukrainians. But we have a strong view of innocent victims and evil perpetrators: it’s just not like that.

 

4. And at the heart of it, of course: look at how it’s your own strong attachment to everything being lovely that is the main source of your anger. So develop the courage to see the ugly scenarios, welcome them, don’t be afraid of them. Attachment is like a fragile child that can only cope with nice things. When our attachment is less, when we’re more courageous in the face of ugly things, the anger is less and we suffer less. And then you can have compassion for both sides.

 

Much love,

Robina

 

QUESTION

Thank you! This makes complete sense!

 

ANSWER

Yes, W. Buddha really is your best cognitive behavioral therapist!

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