QUESTION
Dearest Venerable Robina,
I hope that this finds you safe and well.
I’m writing to you today with a small problem I’m having. My mother-in-law is a very abrupt, pushy, needy, clingy person. When she visits mine and my husband’s home many times a week it’s like she brings a violent storm with her.
My husband feels torn between not hurting his mother’s feelings and keeping me happy too.
I feel she tries unintentionally to come between my husband and me and I find myself reaching boiling point with the situation and losing my temper with my husband frequently.
I try to distance myself from the situation but it feels very suffocating. I try to practice loving kindness meditation but I still find myself getting ground down and ending up losing my temper again.
Dearest Ven. do you have any advice on how I can start to live within this situation with more patience and tolerance?
Thank you so much for your time.
With kindest regards,
L.
ANSWER
Dear L,
Thank you for telling me what’s going on. I understand, for sure — it must be very difficult for you.
So what approach do you think you can take?
First of all, you can’t expect your mother-in-law to change, that’s pretty clear, isn’t it?
And there’s nothing much your husband can do: he’s trying his best to make you both happy, I’m sure.
So, as difficult as it is, I think your only choice is to try to control your speech. Never mind about controlling your anger in your mind — that’s more difficult. But if we can control the words that come out of our mouth, it can avoid so many problems.
When you do your practice at the end of the day, make a vow to yourself that tomorrow you will not say one bad word about the situation to your husband. Then the next morning, you will remember that vow and you will vow again that today you will watch your speech.
Your anger is so understandable. But the anger, as I said, is much harder to control. But the speech, which is the expression of the anger, that’s easier.
We don’t often think like this, but it’s a very powerful practice.
You are doing your best, I can see that. Keep doing your loving kindness meditation. But you need to do everything in your power to control your words.
Maybe it’s good to have someone else to talk to you; we need support. But your husband is the last person you should talk to about it all! You can see this.
Let’s discuss more. But what do you think?
Love to you,
Robina
QUESTION
Dear Ven. Robina,
Thank you so much for your kind reply, I realise now after reading your reply that I am making my husband suffer unnecessarily when I “unload” my anxieties and frustrations on him in regards to his mother.
She would be mortified if she knew I had these feelings about her as I believe she cares about me, but I sometimes feel overwhelmed by her negativity in relation to what seems to be everything.
Her husband works away half the year and I think she gets very lonely. I often invite her to stay for meals but even then she is extremely fussy about what she will eat and I start to regret asking.
I can see that my words pierce my husband and cause him a lot of pain, he tries incredibly hard to please everyone.
Writing to you I see how petty and childish my concerns are and how strongly I cling to my marriage, I look just like my mother in law!
I’m starting to wonder if perhaps we’re very much alike only that I am selective in who I vent my frustrations to as I would be incredibly embarrassed if people saw through the big smile I show to the world.
I find myself feeling very lonely too, sometimes it feels like it’s only my Husband I can really open up to.
I find it hard to talk to people. I think she mirrors that part of myself that I am so ashamed of and try so hard to correct.
You have given me a lot to think about dearest Ven……
ANSWER
You’re doing beautifully, L.
And remember that your husband’s mother is the one who’s suffering. . .
And, for sure, whatever it is in someone else that triggers our emotions is something in our own mind: that makes such sense.
So, instead of focusing on her, try to think like this: “There’s anger, there’s arrogance: I recognize that.” And then, second, you can think: “Thank you for showing me how not to be.”
Then other people’s delusions become such a learning for ourselves! So, be brave and do your best to recognize this!
Seeing her in a new light changes everything for you. You’ll see!
And when we’re really practicing, really working on our own mind, that’s enough, we don’t need to say everything to someone else. We learn to be content with ourselves.
Much love,
Robina