QUESTION
Venerable Robina, my name is S. I am a student of Lama Zopa Rinpoche and Lama Yeshe and I discovered your teachings through FPMT. I find you very inspiring and I’m following and listening to your teachings regularly. I have a daily practice along with studying and reflecting on the teachings.
In your teachings you often talk about relationships and I would like to ask you about this issue please. I’m married for many years now and I have three kids.
My husband has a nice heart and that was the reason I married him.
Throughout the years we had fights and arguments, and it took me time to process and adjust accordingly. I would consider him perfectionistic and controlling to a great extent, and he would say I’m too independent to be inside a marriage. We have different cultural values and upbringing, I’m coming from a matriarchal family and he is coming from a patriarchal background with the male being the important one.
Even though we made great progress and I would say we are in a better place, there are still times that I’m getting confused about how to act in a given situation or how to better react/talk. My partner has highs and lows and is constantly keeping busy. If we have an argument I might get angry in a sense of shouting or raising my voice, but I would not use hurtful speech.
Even though our arguments during the past years are rare, if an issue comes up and it can be a trivial matter, I won’t take care of my behavior, let’s say, and he will see that I am angry, he will either go low or he might have a panic attack, or he might push me even more and then he will mix in things from the past.
This reaction is causing me confusion and sometimes insecurity. It’s been a couple of months that he is going through a mid-life crisis I suppose, or this is how we call it in the West. I tried to be supportive and he appreciated it.
I’m aware of the karma we both carry, but my question is how can I smooth things? How can I end this karma? I have no bad feelings towards him, at times I might feel hurt, but I don’t focus on this. I cannot always say “yes” or let go all the time. There are things I just don’t agree with, but I’m not sure how to convey this message. I might have been more of an explosive personality when we met but I’m not to this extent anymore. I feel that he wants no big reactions from me, or not so much an opinionated attitude. I’m not sure how to support my opinion when I have to think of his reaction.
I would really appreciate your advice Venerable Robina, and I hope I will meet you in person soon.
With folded hands, your student, S.
ANSWER
Dearest S,
I am glad to hear from you — and glad to know you’re a student of our dear lamas.
Thank you for explaining your situation.
If by asking how to “smooth things” you’re asking how to stop your husband responding in the way he does to what you do and say, then that’s not possible. That’s not your job, that’s his job!
All you can do is learn to control your body and speech when you’re around your husband: that’s our fundamental practice, the very first level of the lamrim. Not even talking about the mind yet — first, we have to control our body and our speech.
But even if you have perfect words, never got upset, never said a wrong word, if he doesn’t work on his own mind, nothing will change for him.
This means you have to learn to be content with him the way he is. All you can do is your best to control your own speech, but you can’t control the way he behaves.
And this also means you can’t judge yourself according to how he responds to you. You have to take responsibility for your actions and regret the things you’ve done wrong — according to your own conscience, not according to his opinion — and do your best to change.
The bigger picture, of course, is that you’re clear that you want to be in this relationship, that’s it’s right that you’re together. If so, then the above is all you can do. Be content with who he is, don’t judge yourself according to his view, and don’t try to change him. Let him be! Let him have his own anger, his own opinions about you! It’s tough, but it’s possible.
What do you think?
Much love,
Robina
QUESTION
Dear Venerable Robina,
If I might clarify something it would be about the karma between me and my husband, this is what I meant by ‘to smooth things’. I don’t wish to carry on any bitter feelings towards him and when I console myself after an event I find that I might have temporary feelings of disappointment but not feelings of hate towards him, actually it was never the case all the years we are together.
I believe I’m better in just letting him be as you always advise, and I don’t even mind for everyday things that otherwise might upset him, I just let things go his way and I don’t comment.
The problem might arise when we both have to decide about something and we might have totally different views – that’s my concern that I can’t figure out.
What I feel is that as long as his attachment gets what it wants (as you say) things are fine, but when it’s not? He expressed to me many times that he has unmet expectations from his life and between us as a couple. I suppose there are certain things within my ability and some things that are not. If I would talk about my attachment I will say that throughout my years of practice I learnt to balance and control myself so I don’t have ups and downs, I’m mostly peaceful every day and content with my life. I rarely talk to anyone except like now when I will talk to someone like you seeking advice. I’m not the person to complain and be miserable.
I will put your precious advice into action.
Venerable thank you so much for your time,
S
ANSWER
Yes, S, I understand.
“The karma” between you and your husband: the fact that you’re together and you seem to be content with that: that’s the karma between you. And every second you’re working on your mind, you’re cleaning up your karma, you’re purifying. Well done!
Yes, you’re right: there are certain things you can change and there are those you cannot. So in those matters that you have different views, just accept that; it’s okay. Harmony doesn’t mean you have to agree all the time. Harmony is in your mind!
Also, it’s important that you have the integrity to say what you want to say, no matter what he thinks, no matter how he responds. You can’t just live in fear of how he might respond. Let him respond as he wishes! Try not to be disturbed by it. You didn’t cause his response – that’s his responsibility.
As I said above, you must not judge yourself according to how he responds to you. His responses are not an indication of your being wrong. This is so important to understand.
Stay steady, be clear, be authentic, and let him find his own way.
You’re doing well, S! I admire your practice.
Love to you,
Robina
QUESTION
Thank you, Venerable! I wish to meet you soon in person.
With folded hands your student,
S