QUESTION
Dear Robina,
I pray that you are well and I am so grateful for your support in all its forms.
I want to ask what practices may alleviate anxiety and regret/anger at myself towards past mistakes.
I am a busy working mother of four, and with no financial security. Anxiety for the future for both myself and my family is starting to become debilitating and despite my attempts at regular meditation, my mind is quite frankly a mess and I am approaching a state of despair and lack of hope, which I know won’t help anything.
I am reaching out for your advice on particular practices/mantras etc. that you feel may be helpful in settling my mind and enabling more courage to face the future and be proactive.
With the very warmest of wishes to you, Venerable Robina!
L
ANSWER
Dear L,
I’m happy to hear from you. I do understand what you’re experiencing, for sure!
If we use the Buddhist analysis of the mind and why we suffer, it’s pretty straightforward — which doesn’t mean it’s easy to deal with. But I think the analysis, the explanation, of what anxiety is can definitely help.
In general, as far as Buddha’s concerned, our attachment is the source of the problem. There’s the usual attachment to sense objects, which is pretty evident. But then there’s the more subtle and therefore harder to recognize levels of it. Basically, attachment is like a fragile child inside us that only wants everything to be nice, to be comfortable. And, of course, the second things come along that upset the attachment, aversion arises: effectively, anxiety is the meeting point between them.
This is happening a hundred times a day, and because we don’t pay attention until we feel it viscerally, in our body, we find it hard to handle.
So in your case, let’s say, the aversion to the idea of the future instability exaggerates the problem and causes us to believe that that’s what will happen. Poor attachment wanting only the nice things just can’t bear it!
The fact is, and we know this, even if you had stability, it can all disappear in a puff of smoke. But our other problem — grasping at things as permanent — doesn’t want to think about that, so we become lulled into a false sense of security.
So, what to do? Things aren’t certain for you right now, I can hear that, so all you can do is take it one step at a time, keep your mind as steady as possible, and try to not buy into all the stories the anxiety is telling you — try not to exaggerate the problem. This is exactly the function of delusions: attachment exaggerates the loveliness of everything and aversion exaggerates the horribleness of everything: they’re both lies and they just cause us to rush from pillar to post.
The main problem is that all this attachment/aversion/anxiety builds up in our mind until it becomes too difficult to bear, as I mention above. So having a simple daily meditation can be very useful, kind of to prepare us, to steady us, for the day.
It gives structure, and starting the day with optimism, deciding to stay as positive as possible throughout the day, and trying not to drown in the worries. This is key.
Tell me about your practice, then we can discuss.
Love to you,
Robina
QUESTION
Dear Venerable Robina,
It was such a welcome joy to receive your email, and I’m so thankful for your time – I know you are a busy being!
It was a lift to just read your response and your laying out of the essential cause. It makes sense to think of anxiety as somewhere in the middle of attachment and aversion.
As for my practice – it has been rather sporadic throughout my life and at the moment, it’s really basic as I’m so time-stretched. I just try to do mindfulness of breathing for five minutes in the morning, and for really short periods throughout the day, when I get the occasional breather!
Actually, I recently listened to your express meditation from The Workshop is in the Mind, and the nine rounds of breathing seemed to resonate with me more than anything else of late. I have a bronze Vajrasattva sculpture in my living room – which I haven’t built into any kind of formal practice, but I have that as a constant image in my current home, and Vajrasattva somehow feels familiar and comforting. All pretty basic from my side!
Thank you again for your time and effort, it means a lot!
With love to you, Venerable Robina!
L
ANSWER
Dearest L:
“Practice” takes many forms. It’s good to have a structured practice, even five minutes in the morning, so great that you do it.
But also something at night, to end the day positively: this really helps.
A morning meditation could be the nine-round breathing technique — good that you know it!
Then in the evening a purification practice of the four opponent powers with Vajrasattva: glad you have the image.
This is perfect for what you refer to as “past mistakes”: it’s so important to know they’re not set in stone. Regretting them is really powerful, which is not guilt but compassion for ourselves, and then it leads to “What can I do about it.” Then doing the little meditation.
If you’re familiar with some of the Buddha meditations, such as Tara or Chenrezig: they can be uplifting. Or even just reciting the mantras.
Then there’s dealing with our mind and the dramas throughout the day: that’s where factoring the analysis really helps.
The thing is, as you know, the practices aren’t magic wands: more than anything, the very doing of them, engaging our mind in them, is what helps us; it’s our mind that helps us.
We need to try to cultivate confidence, L: truly, that is the key to success.
And, crucially, we need to remember to rejoice in our advantages, our good qualities, our efforts — we never do this! But it’s incredibly beneficial: I can’t stress it enough. It’s logical that if we always point out and sink into and believe the anxious thoughts, where do we think that’ll lead us? And if we remember to say and believe the positive thoughts, where do we think that leads us?
So, have courage, L! Go one step at a time.
And on a practical level, assess all the bits and pieces of your life, especially your finances: really do the numbers properly. And see if there are ways to change things, even a little, to your advantage.
What do you think?
Love to you,
Robina