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“There’s this disconnect between how things are and how we perceive things." — Ven. Robina

“We’re not suffering because our cup broke, we’re suffering because we thought it shouldn’t." — Ven. Robina

“Given that Buddha’s views are from his own direct experience, from his own observation — they not coming from on high, they’re not speculation, he didn’t make them up — he’s more like Einstein than Jesus." — Ven. Robina

“Everything we think and then do and say is the very process that produces who we become." — Ven. Robina

“The root of the problem is our powerful misconception of an intrinsic me." — Ven. Robina

“So why do you get angry? Because attachment didn’t get what it wanted." — Ven. Robina

“Attachment is a junkie that assumes that I only ever deserve the good things." — Ven. Robina

“If you look in your garden and you see a weed, you would never say “Who put a weed in my garden? I don’t deserve it!” Who planted the seeds? Who planted the weeds? Who planted the flowers? I did." — Ven. Robina

“Our life is our garden. Whatever’s in it, we put it there." — Ven. Robina

“Without understanding karma first, we can’t have proper compassion for others." — Ven. Robina

“We must have compassion for the harmers in this life, because they’ve caused themselves terrible future suffering." — Ven. Robina

“We have the power to look into our own minds, to recognize what harms us and, with enormous self respect, we can learn to change, we can learn to get rid of the neuroses. This is all Buddha is saying.” — Ven. Robina

“From Buddha’s point of view, we should be weeping in delight every day at how fortunate we are, having such an extraordinarily fortunate life, which we ourselves created by our own past actions.” — Ven. Robina

“Every microsecond of everything that goes on in our mind, and the things we do on the basis of those thoughts with our body and speech, this is the karmic process.” — Ven. Robina

“Buddha's expertise is the mind: he has a profound and extensive explanation what the mind is, how it functions and how, crucially, we can transform it.” — Ven. Robina

“Happiness is the mind that is free from attachment and the other neuroses: clear, blissful, happy and stable.” — Ven. Robina

“The main cause of my happiness, the main cause of my suffering, is in my mind.” — Ven. Robina

“Don't point to some external thing and call it samsara; point to your own mind, your own body.” — Lama Zopa Rinpoche

“If no anger, then no enemy.” — Lama Zopa Rinpoche

“You are the creator of yourself, honey – that’s what Buddha says.” — Ven. Robina

“We've got to distinguish facts from fiction. And when you're a buddha, you've finally got all the facts down.” — Ven. Robina

“Anger, anxiety, depression and fear break our hearts – and all Buddha is saying is: yes, sweetheart, you can change it.” — Ven. Robina

“We accept we come fully programmed into this life, but we think the programming comes from mother and father. It doesn’t, Buddha says. Our tendencies come from previous moments of that very mind itself, which is not physical and not from any external condition.” — Ven. Robina

“The mind, for the Buddha, is where things happen. The mind is where the workshop is: it’s the source of suffering and the source of happiness.” — Ven. Robina

“Any happiness you feel comes from your own mind. It is all manufactured by your own inner factory.” — Lama Zopa Rinpoche

“Human beings have great potential; they can do anything. The power of the mind is incredible, limitless.” — Lama Thubten Yeshe

“Positive states of mind are natural to us. They are at the core of our being. They are what define our mind. They are what we really are.” — Ven. Robina

“When your only purpose for living is the benefit of others, it is very easy to make the right decision. It is easy because you are very clear about why you are alive." — Lama Zopa Rinpoche

“Not believing in the way things appear to us: you can't get more radical than that.” — Ven. Robina

“There’s a big difference between being able to explain religion intellectually and transforming that knowledge into spiritual experience.” — Lama Thubten Yeshe

“Buddhism is not just about one or two small things; it is not some tiny philosophy. Lord Buddha explained the nature of every single phenomenon in the universe.” — Lama Thubten Yeshe

“Without understanding, belief can be very dangerous. So what Lord Buddha emphasized was that understanding is the path to liberation, knowledge is the path to liberation.” — Lama Thubten Yeshe

“The main cause of my happiness, the main cause of my suffering, is in my mind.” — Ven. Robina

“Love is wanting another person to be happy, a delight in their happiness. Love has no strings.” — Ven. Robina

“I hope that you understand what the word 'spiritual' really means. It means to search for – to investigate – the true nature of the mind. There's nothing spiritual outside. My rosary isn't spiritual; my robes aren't spiritual. Spiritual means the mind and spiritual people are those who seek its nature.” — Lama Thubten Yeshe

“And also, to study Buddhism you don't need to believe in something extreme. It's a matter of investigating, examining and experimenting on yourself. It's not just belief.” — Lama Thubten Yeshe

“We have the power to look into our own minds, to recognize what harms us, and out of enormous self respect, we can learn to change the poison; we can learn to get rid of the neuroses. This is all Buddha is saying.” — Ven. Robina

“Every microsecond of whatever goes on in our mind, and the things we do and say on the basis of those thoughts: this is the karmic process.” — Ven. Robina

“We think happiness is what we get when attachment gets what it wants. No. Buddha says happiness is what we get when we give up attachment.” — Ven. Robina

“Positive states of mind are natural to us. They are at the core of our being. They are what define our mind. They are what we really are.” — Ven. Robina

“Not believing in the way things appear to us: you can't get more radical than that.” — Ven. Robina

“The main cause of my happiness, the main cause of my suffering, is in my mind.” — Ven. Robina

What Buddha is saying is that we have this incredible potential, if we have the courage to look inside.” — Ven. Robina

“Happiness is the mind that is free from junk: clear, blissful, happy and stable.” — Ven. Robina

“Buddha's expertise is the mind. And he has a profound, deep, extensive explanation and view of what the mind is.” — Ven. Robina

“We accept we come fully programmed into this life, but we think the programming comes from mother and father. It doesn’t, Buddha says. Tendencies in the mind come from previous moments of that very mind itself, which is not physical, and not from any external condition.” — Ven. Robina

RobinaCourtin.com

“There’s this disconnect between how things are and how we perceive things." — Ven. Robina

“We’re not suffering because our cup broke, we’re suffering because we thought it shouldn’t." — Ven. Robina

“Given that Buddha’s views are from his own direct experience, from his own observation — they not coming from on high, they’re not speculation, he didn’t make them up — he’s more like Einstein than Jesus." — Ven. Robina

“Everything we think and then do and say is the very process that produces who we become." — Ven. Robina

“The root of the problem is our powerful misconception of an intrinsic me." — Ven. Robina

“So why do you get angry? Because attachment didn’t get what it wanted." — Ven. Robina

“Attachment is a junkie that assumes that I only ever deserve the good things." — Ven. Robina

“If you look in your garden and you see a weed, you would never say “Who put a weed in my garden? I don’t deserve it!” Who planted the seeds? Who planted the weeds? Who planted the flowers? I did." — Ven. Robina

“Our life is our garden. Whatever’s in it, we put it there." — Ven. Robina

“Without understanding karma first, we can’t have proper compassion for others." — Ven. Robina

“We must have compassion for the harmers in this life, because they’ve caused themselves terrible future suffering." — Ven. Robina

“We have the power to look into our own minds, to recognize what harms us and, with enormous self respect, we can learn to change, we can learn to get rid of the neuroses. This is all Buddha is saying.” — Ven. Robina

“From Buddha’s point of view, we should be weeping in delight every day at how fortunate we are, having such an extraordinarily fortunate life, which we ourselves created by our own past actions.” — Ven. Robina

“Every microsecond of everything that goes on in our mind, and the things we do on the basis of those thoughts with our body and speech, this is the karmic process.” — Ven. Robina

“Buddha's expertise is the mind: he has a profound and extensive explanation what the mind is, how it functions and how, crucially, we can transform it.” — Ven. Robina

“Happiness is the mind that is free from attachment and the other neuroses: clear, blissful, happy and stable.” — Ven. Robina

“The main cause of my happiness, the main cause of my suffering, is in my mind.” — Ven. Robina

“Don't point to some external thing and call it samsara; point to your own mind, your own body.” — Lama Zopa Rinpoche

“If no anger, then no enemy.” — Lama Zopa Rinpoche

“You are the creator of yourself, honey – that’s what Buddha says.” — Ven. Robina

“We've got to distinguish facts from fiction. And when you're a buddha, you've finally got all the facts down.” — Ven. Robina

“Anger, anxiety, depression and fear break our hearts – and all Buddha is saying is: yes, sweetheart, you can change it.” — Ven. Robina

“We accept we come fully programmed into this life, but we think the programming comes from mother and father. It doesn’t, Buddha says. Our tendencies come from previous moments of that very mind itself, which is not physical and not from any external condition.” — Ven. Robina

“The mind, for the Buddha, is where things happen. The mind is where the workshop is: it’s the source of suffering and the source of happiness.” — Ven. Robina

“Any happiness you feel comes from your own mind. It is all manufactured by your own inner factory.” — Lama Zopa Rinpoche

“Human beings have great potential; they can do anything. The power of the mind is incredible, limitless.” — Lama Thubten Yeshe

“Positive states of mind are natural to us. They are at the core of our being. They are what define our mind. They are what we really are.” — Ven. Robina

“When your only purpose for living is the benefit of others, it is very easy to make the right decision. It is easy because you are very clear about why you are alive." — Lama Zopa Rinpoche

“Not believing in the way things appear to us: you can't get more radical than that.” — Ven. Robina

“There’s a big difference between being able to explain religion intellectually and transforming that knowledge into spiritual experience.” — Lama Thubten Yeshe

“Buddhism is not just about one or two small things; it is not some tiny philosophy. Lord Buddha explained the nature of every single phenomenon in the universe.” — Lama Thubten Yeshe

“Without understanding, belief can be very dangerous. So what Lord Buddha emphasized was that understanding is the path to liberation, knowledge is the path to liberation.” — Lama Thubten Yeshe

“The main cause of my happiness, the main cause of my suffering, is in my mind.” — Ven. Robina

“Love is wanting another person to be happy, a delight in their happiness. Love has no strings.” — Ven. Robina

“I hope that you understand what the word 'spiritual' really means. It means to search for – to investigate – the true nature of the mind. There's nothing spiritual outside. My rosary isn't spiritual; my robes aren't spiritual. Spiritual means the mind and spiritual people are those who seek its nature.” — Lama Thubten Yeshe

“And also, to study Buddhism you don't need to believe in something extreme. It's a matter of investigating, examining and experimenting on yourself. It's not just belief.” — Lama Thubten Yeshe

“We have the power to look into our own minds, to recognize what harms us, and out of enormous self respect, we can learn to change the poison; we can learn to get rid of the neuroses. This is all Buddha is saying.” — Ven. Robina

“Every microsecond of whatever goes on in our mind, and the things we do and say on the basis of those thoughts: this is the karmic process.” — Ven. Robina

“We think happiness is what we get when attachment gets what it wants. No. Buddha says happiness is what we get when we give up attachment.” — Ven. Robina

“Positive states of mind are natural to us. They are at the core of our being. They are what define our mind. They are what we really are.” — Ven. Robina

“Not believing in the way things appear to us: you can't get more radical than that.” — Ven. Robina

“The main cause of my happiness, the main cause of my suffering, is in my mind.” — Ven. Robina

What Buddha is saying is that we have this incredible potential, if we have the courage to look inside.” — Ven. Robina

“Happiness is the mind that is free from junk: clear, blissful, happy and stable.” — Ven. Robina

“Buddha's expertise is the mind. And he has a profound, deep, extensive explanation and view of what the mind is.” — Ven. Robina

“We accept we come fully programmed into this life, but we think the programming comes from mother and father. It doesn’t, Buddha says. Tendencies in the mind come from previous moments of that very mind itself, which is not physical, and not from any external condition.” — Ven. Robina

Q & A With Robina

Each week Ven. Robina answers questions from people around the world.

Attachment to approval is a bottomless pit (from Sep 7, 2020)

Jul 7, 2025

QUESTION
Dear Venerable Robina,

I hope you are well.

Today I had an argument. I was called selfish, told I don’t listen, that I have no empathy, that I help out of duty and not empathy or compassion.

What struck me was that I thought I had been doing the opposite the whole time. I thought I was putting extra effort at listening (which I am really not proficient at). I thought I was putting my needs and wants on the side trying to allow the other to get some space. I never felt obliged at helping out, of course sometimes it’s hard and I might puff a bit, but it never felt like a duty.

Then as soon as I was about to express how I was feeling, the other person put it into words right before me.

“Sometimes I don’t feel appreciated, I feel like I want to express my struggle and nobody is here to listen to me. I feel like all the effort I put in day in day out has no value in the eyes of the others. I feel like nobody understands how hard it is and I just want to cry.”

At that moment I started feeling how much it didn’t matter what I was feeling and how hard it was for me because the person in front of me was experiencing the same suffering, the same frustration, the same pain as I was.

As much as I felt the other person’s pain and understood we both suffer for the situation, inside my head there was a voice saying, “But what about me?!”

As much as I wanted to put my pain first and say, “But I …” I understood the pain in the other and I was biting my tongue and holding back my words (I didn’t always succeed).

How can I cope in these situations? How can I fight the need of expressing my pain and be understanding of the other? How can I be understanding of the other, but at the same time have a constructive conversation and release a bit of frustration on my side?

Also, why is it that when I think I am doing my best and put my best work on, put effort in developing understanding and helping as much as I can, I get called out for the opposite?

Please Venerable, keep teaching us ignorant beings. Please live long and bless us with your teachings.

Thank you, Venerable.
T

ANSWER
Good to hear from you, T.

The trouble is, the more we are unable to take responsibility for our own thoughts and feelings — in other words, the more we crave to be heard and understood by another person — no matter how much the other person listens, it’ll never be enough.

There you are, each of you doing your best, but each of you stressed out, and each of you craving to be seen and heard and approved of by the other.

This is the essence of the suffering of attachment: the deep, primordial dissatisfaction that no matter what I get, what I have, what I achieve, how much someone loves me or listens to me, it’s never enough. Attachment is a bottomless pit of dissatisfaction.

The trouble is, we don’t know how to be satisfied with ourselves; we always need the other person to see us, thank us, appreciate how hard we’re working. We simply don’t know how to approve of ourself, appreciate ourself, to be satisfied with ourself. This is what makes us go insane in relationships!

For sure, it’s wonderful if our partner appreciates us, thanks us, listens to us, loves us – but if we don’t work on our own mind, learn to be our own friend, no matter how much they give us, love us, listen to us, it won’t be enough. We have to keep learning about our own mind, about this primordial craving to be seen and heard by others, and slowly learn to become content with ourself, to satisfy ourself.

And, of course, it’s exactly the same for your partner.

And the more we can become fulfilled within ourself, the more we’ll be able to listen to the other person, really hear them.

Keep moving, one step at a time.

Does this make sense?

Love,
Robina 

QUESTION
Venerable,

Thank you for your kind reply, for taking some of your precious time. Your words are always encouraging.

I have spent most of my life doubting myself, questioning my worth, dismissing my efforts or achievements, and always feeling like I don’t really deserve good things. It is a hard battle to fight.

Maybe I project that mindset towards the world around me. Like if I see the reflection of my mindset on people’s actions.

Sometimes I see everything like an obstacle. Recently I started forcing myself to see everything like a useful tool, or a piece of a giant puzzle. I stop myself more and more from allowing anger to overtake me, but most times I realize it too late, after I hurt someone dear.

I am afraid of not being a good parent because of that. Or a good partner.

My practice is more stable, but I still can’t translate it completely into my actions yet.

How can I free myself from such deep conditioning? I don’t like disliking myself and I don’t like hurting people.

Thank you Venerable for your precious time. And thank you for your support.

With devotion,
T

ANSWER
Slowly, slowly T.

Be humble and patient. Learn to be satisfied. Practice thinking, “I am doing well.” Don’t just hear me say it, you say it!

Love,
Robina

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