QUESTION
Hello my dearest Robina:
How are you doing? I hope that my email finds you well and healthy…
As for me, I’ve been through a lot lately. My mother living in an elder care facility with a sick body and a progressive dementia, then my dad, whose health conditions rapidly worsened in the last month until he died a week ago.
I could stay with him in the hospital while he was leaving his body, holding his hand and whispering the compassion mantra, and I am grateful about that.
It was a quiet and serene moment, and I think I somehow helped him not to be too scared of dying. I wasn’t sad, I didn’t cry.
The days after his passing were packed with things to do and organize, and I thought the suffering and pain for losing him would arrive later, but it didn’t.
I’m not suffering, Robina, I think of him with love, gratitude, and tenderness. I’m not sad. I catch myself smile when I see his walking cane or a photo of him. He had a long and quite happy life, and now he’s on his way to his rebirth.
People who see me that peaceful tell me that I’m hiding the pain inside me, that the suffering is blocked and has to come out, and it will hit me like a punch in the face somewhere in the future. “You loved him, no wonder you will suffer!”
Is it so, Robina? Am I lying to myself not to suffer, or am I experimenting a little bit of what non-attachment is?
I’m sending you all my gratitude and respect.
Yours,
O
P.S.: I’m taking your online course on mahamudra, thank you for your precious teachings.
ANSWER
Dearest O,
Good to hear your thoughts: perfect!
I do not think you are suppressing anything. You feel the way you do because you focused on helping your dear father die well and find a good new rebirth.
When we have only attachment and feel hopeless when someone dies because we don’t know how to help them, and because we’re scared of death, then I think we feel pain.
In other words, it seems to me that you have learned to distinguish between attachment, which is the cause of suffering, and love and compassion, which are not the cause of any suffering at all.
And hearing that he was peaceful when he passed away is so good. How fortunate he was having you there, keeping him calm and steady and having him receive the blessings of the Compassion Buddha. Being peaceful at the time before the breath stops is exactly what helps activate one of his virtuous karmic seeds, which is what will ripen as a human rebirth. So, well done!
And continue to say prayers for your father. Remember that his consciousness can stay in the intermediate state before rebirth for up to forty-nine days, so it’s good to help him while he’s there, too.
And, remember, as Pabongka Rinpoche advises, “This will happen to me!” — so be ready for your own death by continuing to live your life well and help others.
Much love and much rejoicing,
Robina
QUESTION
Dearest Robina,
Thank you so much for your words and support.
Knowing I’m in the right direction is a big relief and it will help to strengthen my motivation and practice.
Waiting to meet you in Europe later in the year! I wish you all the best.
With all my love and gratitude,
O