A relationship without attachment?

Dec 23, 2019


Dear Venerable,

I hope all is going well with you. I have been listening to your Vajrasattva teachings in France. After studying emptiness, I still engage in attachment, particularly the romantic kind. I realized how much inappropriate attention I pay to my fantasies and it has caused me pain. I know there’s karma that I’m repaying as a result.

I recently and unexplainably became attached to someone I barely knew after three dates. It makes no sense to feel this way. It’s like I’m under a curse. It’s been a repeat pattern for me to get attached to someone who loses interest in me. I like the idea of meeting someone and sharing a life, but the attachment aspect is what kills me. I do know that the object of attachment is a condition and not the cause. From a psychological stance, the rejection triggers my sense of worthlessness as I was growing up, as raised by my family.

Is there a practice I can do to rid me of these romantic attachment? While at the same time I can date without too much attachment?





Good to hear from you, P.

Well, we all want to be loved, right! That’s our problem! Buddha says we’ve got everything in us already – but our deepest attachment is to be seen as a nice person, to be approved of, to be liked. What to do!

And remember that attachment is very deep. It’s absurd to think that we ordinary people can have a relationship without it. So, watch your mind like a hawk, be aware when attachment is taking over from the love and kindness, and adjust the thinking.

It takes time, P. Relax. Enjoy the relationships and see where they take you. Don’t expect too much. Be easygoing.

And, of course, continue to do the four opponent powers in conjunction with Vajrasattva: it’s such a powerful practice. REGRETTING your old habits because you’re sick of the suffering; RELYING upon the Buddha and having compassion; doing the REMEDY by reciting the mantra and doing the visualization; and RESOLVING to change. It’s very practical psychology.

Love to you,



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