So, basically, it’s like this. In the Buddha’s analysis, we’ve got the neurotic, deluded states of mind: they’re all the voices of the “I,” the voices of ego: attachment, aversion, and jealousy, all the dramas.
So, the key one that plays out most of the day in our relationships is this enormous attachment. I mean, attachment could be to clothing, food – all the obvious things – but there’s a much subtler level of attachment that plays out in relationships, and we’ve all got it to varying degrees. This attachment is a very strong yearning to be seen as a good girl, to be approved of.
This attachment is very instinctive and, therefore, really hard to identify. Luckily we also have virtuous states of mind running alongside the delusions, and they’re our saving grace. So for a person who is kind, it would be very hard to distinguish between kindness and this attachment, and this would make you say yes to everything.
Saying yes is compassion and kindness, but when it’s polluted by this attachment, by this neediness, it makes you vulnerable. You become a doormat, not because you’re kind, but because of the neediness to be seen as a good person; that messes up everything. It can be very subtle.
Using Western language, we often talk about setting boundaries: a situation arises where you’ve decided it’s appropriate to say no. But the scary part is that when, with the right motivation, you have the courage to say no, you cannot guarantee the other person will like it. You have to accept this: that’s the practice.
The attachment to be seen as a good person, which is so instinctive, causes us to continuously adjust our behavior, our words, so that the person responds nicely to us. So to say no is very scary because they probably will get upset. But you’re going to have to live with that. You be very gentle, you be very wise, and you keep your ground, and if they want that relationship with you, they’re going to learn the new rules.
It’s not easy, especially if you’ve had the habit in a relationship of buying into each other’s garbage, which is what can make things so difficult, whether it’s with your mother, your child, or your partner. “Co-dependence” – what is it? I think they call it that in the West. This is attachment, and this is what makes the relationship so difficult.
When you start to change your habits like this, you don’t need to explain yourself – this is even more scary. But we need to learn it.
This is what creating appropriate boundaries is about. It’s not easy. The kid will rant and rave when you say no, but you know it’s for their benefit; you’ve done it with the right motivation, not to manipulate them, not to be passive-aggressive.
A bird needs two wings: wisdom and compassion. The wisdom wing is all the inner work we’re doing on ourselves, which gives us more stability, more clarity. Then your compassion can be wiser, not weak, not sentimental.
This is what establishing boundaries looks like. Essentially, it’s giving up this primordial attachment.
This really takes courage, and this is enormously hard work, but when we give up attachment and all the rubbish, we become very grounded in ourselves, and we allow people to be the way they are. We’re not relying upon them to love us every second anymore. That’s the powerful point. Let them be angry. We can’t guarantee that a person will respond the way we want.
The wisdom wing is enormous. The degree to which our compassion is valid and genuinely useful is the degree to which we’ve done the wisdom-wing work – the work on ourselves. We are compassionate now, but it’s polluted by our neediness; it’s limited compassion.